My Mother, My Father
[1984, 33 min.] Four families share
problems they have faced and decisions they have made regarding the care of an
aging parent. Intended for caregivers who may be facing a similar set of problems,
the film provides information on a variety of options caregivers may choose, including
care for an aging parent in the home, nursing home care, adult day care, and services
available to older people who want to maintain an independent life style. The
emotional burden of caregiving is acknowledged as well, and the film suggests
the importance of the family network and caregiver support groups as means of
easing that burden.
Introduction
Four families share problems they have faced and decisions they have made regarding
the care of an aging parent. Intended for caregivers who may be facing a similar
set of problems, the film provides information on a variety of options caregivers
may choose, including care for an aging parent in the home, nursing home care,
adult day care, and services available to older people who want to maintain
an independent life style. The emotional burden of caregiving is acknowledged
as well, and the film suggests the importance of the family network and caregiver
support groups as means of easing that burden. The four families come from different
socio-economic and ethnic backgrounds. Each family addresses the problems of
caregiving based on its particular dynamics.
The Honels, for example, have cared for Milt's father in their own home for
five years; whereas the Hagwoods have maintained Julie's mother in her home
for four years. The Tjeerdemas, on the other hand, reject both of those options.
Although their mother, Jenny, requires supervised care, the family chooses placement
in a nursing home for her rather than an in-home arrangement because of the
strained relationships between the daughters and their mother. As the Tjeerdema
daughters share their feelings with one another in the film, they form a support
group of sorts in order to affirm their difficult decision and provide mutual
support for their feelings of anger and guilt. The fourth family, the Geralis,
offer another option, again based on the specific context of the family relationship,
but aided by Anna Gerali's ability to function as an independent member of the
family despite her physical ailments. She lives with one of her widowed daughters,
and the arrangement seems to be mutually agreeable and integral to the overall
family network. In a preface to the film the director explains that the different
options chosen by the four families "reflects that families are indeed
unique, and need the freedom to choose the caregiving arrangement that is best
for everyone involved." Of course, these four families try to make their
choices with the interests of the aging parent as well as their own best interests
in mind. At the same time, the film underscores the complexity of the caregiver's
role within the family and the emotional stresses that result when difficult
decisions have to be made.
Summary of Scenes
The film begins with a graphic: "What follows is a look at
four different families each faced with the need to provide care for an ailing
parent. That they each choose different ways of providing that care reflects
that families are indeed unique, and need the freedom to choose the caregiving
arrangement that is best for everyone involved."
- The Honels: Milt Honel returns home after work and greets his daughter,
his wife, and his father--who has Alzheimer's disease. The narrator notes
that the Honels have cared for Milt's father in their home for five years.
As the scene continues, Milt comments on his relationship with his father:
"He's changed from a father figure to someone we are all taking care
of. I'm no longer his son." At the dinner table, Milt's father talks
loudly, ignoring the family prayer. Milt's wife and daughter comment directly
about their response to being caregivers. The former says, "The hardest
thing for me was the anger." The daughter refers to the "power struggle"
that occurred when Mr. Honel moved in.
- Two scenes show the wife with Milt's father--first in a grocery store and
then at home. Through her voice-over she admits that it is difficult to accomplish
creative work with him present, but "I learned the kinds of things that
worked." She feels resentment when others in the family do not try to
help her work with him. She sits at the table next to her husband. She describes
the "breakthrough" that occurred when Milt took over "night
duty." He flinches, acknowledging his former tendency to let his wife
take all the responsibility for caregiving.
- Milt shaves his father. "I've learned to become more tolerant,"
he says. Milt shares a turning point in his relationship with his father:
the father never told his son, “I love you.” But when he became
aware of his mental decline, “At this point, he said to me that he loved
me, and he knew I was his son. Had he been in a nursing home, he would have
gone through that phase and not had that opportunity." In the last scene
Milt's teen-aged son sits next to his grandfather and holds his hand. Milt
says, "If you're gentle, he'll respond."
- The Hagwoods: Julie and Bill Hagwood at her mother’s house.
The mother has lived alone for the past four years. Julie's mother suffers
from organic brain syndrome, and the Hagwoods are worried about her continuing
to live alone. Bill says, "We prefer that she not go in the kitchen at
all. It's a problem we live with." Julie and Bill take her mother to
an adult day care facility. Julie says, "It preserves our sanity."
- Julie and Bill attend a monthly support group meeting. She admits
this is the "one place" where they can talk openly about the stress
of caring for her mother. "Everybody there understands what you're saying."
Julie shares her anger and frustration at one of the meetings. She notes that
when members who have missed several meetings return to the group, they say,
"I had to come because I'm back to the screaming stage."
- Julie and Bill sit next to each other. She says, I've reached the saturation
point. I feel like I'm being strangled or suffocated." Bill sits quietly
next to her; he is deep in thought. She continues, "If I could just come
up for some air." The narrator notes that they are considering placement
of Julie's mother in a nursing home. Julie recalls that her brother, a minister,
told her, "Where is it written that you have to be a martyr for your
mother?" But she admits that when the time comes to make the decision,
it will not be an easy one to make.
- The Tjeerdemas: The narrator explains that Jenny Tjeerdema has returned
home after a stay in a convalescent hospital. He notes that this segment combines
two scenes: (1) a conversation between Jenny and one of her daughters and
(2) a conversation among family members "as they reflect on the decision
to have their mother go into a nursing home."
- In the first scene, Jenny tells one of her daughters she would rather stay
in her home, but she admits there are few options: "I don't want to be
with the kids, and the kids don't want me." In the second scene, the
family is gathered to discuss options for care. One of the daughters says,
"She's too bossy and too pushy. She manipulates people too much."
She concludes, "I had enough of it." Another daughter says, "I
feel awkward, like I should be touching her and I'm not." Her other sisters
support her feelings. The first daughter says, "I will go there and wash
her clothes, and I'll do everything for her, but I will not kiss her."
She is near tears. "I just don't feel close to her that way."
- One of the husbands says, "She's your mother and you do things for
her because she's your mother." His wife explains that she interacts
with her mother so she will never have to say, "She needed me and I wasn't
there." But a granddaughter offers, "You don't want to do to her
what she did to you." She recalls a conversation with her grandmother,
who said, "My mother once told me I was a stupid person. I'll never forgive
her for that." She tries to analyze her grandmother's behavior: "She
went from me, to my mother, to herself, to her mother. The hurts are lifetimes
long." Her mother, the second daughter quoted above, asks, "Do you
think if I touched her?" But her daughter replies, "I can't give
you any magic."
- The Geralis: Anna Gerali, 87, shows her great-granddaughter how to
do needlepoint. The narrator summarizes her many health problems and several
operations, including one for a cataract. After being in a nursing home, she
returned home with the objective of walking again. She has been successful,
and now she lives with one of her widowed daughters. Four generations of Geralis
sit around a table.
- Anna's daughter explains, "Mom is a very independent person. She wants
everything split: our food, our utilities, the rent." Anna admits that
her cataract operation was unsuccessful. Now her other eye is forming a cataract.
"But it won't hold me down." She laughs. "I still like to be
with people. I like to work." Later, Anna says, "I don't worry about
the future."
- Anna's daughter explains the family dynamics. "Each one of us has a
different role." She explains that when Anna is upset, she talks to her
and then she talks to her sisters. Another daughter says, "The last thing
I would do is to see her go into a nursing home." The daughters share
their plans for keeping her in their homes if she needs nursing care and/or
if she becomes blind. They plan to utilize meals on wheels, visiting nurses,
and homemakers. They meet with a social worker. A home health aide shows Anna
how to carry out some cooking tasks if she becomes blind.
- Anna concludes, "I'm not getting old. I see myself getting young."
She laughs. She admits she feels old only when she cannot do things. She asks
not to be with old people because "they're not happy." She says,
"You know when you're old? When you're six feet under! When I get there,
that's when I'm old. Not before that." She laughs.
Discussion Questions and Sample
Worksheet
Text of The Great Circle
of Life: A Resource Guide to Films and Videos on Aging, copyright ©
1987, 1999, 2005, Robert E. Yahnke. All photographs copyrighted by Robert E.
Yahnke. All rights reserved. Contact author for permission to copy
photographs or reprint portions of text.