Grown-Up Tears: Adults Grieving the Death of a Parent

Introduction

How do adult children cope with the loss of a parent? This video presents a group of subjects who describe the deaths of their parents, their grief work, and the personal growth and the measures of resolution they have attained through time. The video is structured like a support group. Each family member tells his or her own story. Three professionals--a chaplain, a counselor, and a nurse--are present. But none of the professionals interrupts the flow of sharing or interprets any of the stories. Instead, they provide a sympathetic, listening presence for each of the storytellers. Often the director incorporates sensitive reaction shots of the other participants, including the professionals, as each individual recounts details from his or her story. These adult children have grown emotionally and psychologically through their experiences of loss. All have faced an existential reality; the death of a parent has changed them. Now they know a type of "orphanhood" no one could have prepared them for. Their loss has compelled them to face themselves and their identities and their capacity for self-renewal. The death of a parent has changed the basis of their relationships with other family members, including surviving parents. Their roles within the family are redefined. The death of a parent has helped them find new meanings in their own parenthood.

The video is structured according to five themes: "Letting Go of Love . . . The Stories"; "Relationships . . . Family & Friends"; "Growing . . . On Our Own"; "The Open Circle"; and "Letters from Home." Seven adult children share their stories. In the first section the adults tell the stories of the deaths of their parents. Most of them were present when their parents died. The death scenes are described vividly and lovingly. Often the adult children feel a strong sense of closure at these "peaceful" deaths. One of the most touching stories is about a woman whose parents were killed together in an accident. She had to identify her mother's body on the phone--a horrible experience.

The second section details some of the effects of those losses on relationships within the family and beyond the family. In the third section the subjects summarize some of the coping mechanisms that have worked for them. One daughter has found a new strength in sharing the possible consequences of her own serious illness with her children. A son finds security and stability in his family relationships. Another daughter finds solace and acceptance within her church family. Another finds peace by writing her mother in a journal. The next section, "The Open Circle," suggests some of the ways the adult children have found closure in the emotional and psychological trauma they faced. The last section incorporates a well-crafted montage of photographs of the parents and their seven adult children with excerpts from letters the children have written, perhaps as an activity in their support group. This section provides a sensitive and moving coda to the earlier segments. The adults in the video are articulate, intensely emotional, and not afraid to share uncomfortable truths in their personal lives and in their current family relationships. They realize they have something important to say about death and grief work. These stories have much in common. They communicate the unpredictable, chaotic, life-changing essence of the impact of a parent's life on the identity of an adult child. The title suggests that these adults, these "grown-ups," have grown immensely after suffering the shock and pain of their losses.

Pre-Viewing Notes and Activities

• Tell your audience that the video appears to present a support group environment for adult children who have experienced the death of one or both of their parents. Ask the audience what they expect from a support group? How will its presentation differ from a presentation made by experts in the field of gerontology--including psychologists, sociologists, social workers, or counselors? What can be gained organizing the video as a support group?
• Tell your audience that three professionals--counselors, therapists, social workers--are present in the video. But none of the three comments on any of the cases. None of the three suggests "answers" or "resolutions" for any of the cases. Instead, they provide a sympathetic, listening presence for these adults. Ask your audience what they think it means to be a sympathetic, listening presence in a support group context? Ask members of the audience to restrain from prejudgments or quick judgments of the adult children's stories. The audience should try to be patient and tolerant of the adult children, some of whom are still struggling with aspects of their emotional loss.
• Note how often the adult children sharing their stories express deeply felt emotional responses to the details of their stories. Several times the adult children cry with great intensity or find it difficult to continue speaking. Prepare your audience for these displays of emotion. Make sure the audience is comfortable with the level of emotion they are about to experience. The emotional impact of the video on members of the audience may be intense. Show consideration to anyone who feels too close to their own loss of a parent to stay in the room throughout the video. Users of the video should be prepared to assist anyone who needs professional follow-up after discussion of the video.
• The video concludes with an interesting montage that includes images of the adult children and their parents before the latter's death with readings from "letters" the adult children "sent" to their dead parents (probably an exercise they completed as part of their support group experience). The use of montages in videos is rare. The technique, more often seen in filmic treatments of subjects relating to aging, is based upon a simple editing technique. The montage always consists of sound and edited images played off against each other to provoke a strong emotional response. The basic form of the montage consists of related images edited with a musical track. A good example is the use of the hymn Amazing Grace, played at the conclusion of Living With Grace. As the hymn is sung in a church setting, viewers see scenes of the woman Grace Kirkland viewed earlier in the video. (This video is covered in the chapter on Alzheimer's Disease). Another form of the montage is known as the aural montage. There the "music" consists of numerous spoken passages that are played off against related images. That approach is used in this video. Hearing the fragments from the "letters" the adult children sent to their dead parents provokes a stronger emotional response because viewers are bombarded with images of happy and healthy parents and the same adult children we have followed throughout the video. Prepare your viewers for this concluding section by summarizing these notes on the montage structure.

Summary of Scenes

• The video begins with a panning shot of pictures of family members. A woman speaks about her fear of losing her mother. "Probably my greatest fear in life was that someday I was going to have to live without my mother. She was my greatest defender of life in so many ways."
•   The video appears to be a support-group; seven adults, most of whom are in their 40s, sit on sofas along with three counselors: Jean Marchant, hospice chaplain and bereavement counselor; Michael Ansa-Asamoah, hospice chaplain and youth minister; and Emily Chandler, nurse and clergy. The counselors provide a sympathetic, listening presence in the face of these adults' stories. The narrator explains, "Although each has his or her own experience of grief, they have much that they share in common." "Letting Go of Love . . . The Stories"
•   Jennifer: Her mother died ten years ago from cancer--seven weeks after diagnosis. Cut to a photograph of Jennifer and her mother before the illness. She recalls a sunny day when she sat with her mother, who was in a coma. "I decided that I would paint her fingernails. She always loved to take care of her hands." She waited at her mother’s bedside in the hospice, and then decided to give her mother permission to die. She said, "I’m the baby, and if the baby says you can go, then you have to go. And she died. It was like just in that moment that was her final major gift to me."
•   Diane: Her mother died of a heart condition three weeks prior to the taping. "She called the hospice nurses the ‘ladies of the last hurrah!’" Everyone laughs hard. "I’m like, ‘I love you. You’re so funny!’ " She feels she was able to say her good-byes to her mother. She sat across from her mother’s bed and felt her mother had died. But she couldn’t bring herself to go to the bed to check her mother’s condition. She stayed in her mother’s room for some time afterwards, sleeping and then waking up. The next morning her sister came into the room and found their mother unresponsive. "She died the way she always wanted to--in her sleep."
•   Matt: His father died when he was 18. Then his mother died six months ago from cancer. He tells of not being able to return home before his father died. His father died in the ambulance. "I felt sorry that I didn’t just go." Then he relates his mother’s death. Matt decided to stay with her. When she went into the hospital the last time, she had numerous visitors. Relatives would take turns being in the room with her. His turn came, and he went in. Background music comes up. He kissed her, talked to her, and told her he loved her: "I sat down, opened my book, and her breathing changed." He brought the nurse back, and "moments later she was dead." He adds, "I was glad I made the choice to stay." He fights back tears. "It has really cut down on the ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves.’
•   Zakiya: Her mother died eight years ago from cancer. She is the oldest in the family. She recalls that she knew her mother always loved her, but she was 40 before she heard her mother say the words, "I love you." Two photographs of her mother are shown as she discusses the implications of her mother’s words--both as validation of their feelings and as acknowledgment of their ability to communicate. She begins to tell her story. Reaction shots of three of the other participants. When her mother was near death, Zakiya came to the hospital and found her mother sitting up but with a grain of rice stuck on her lip. At first she thought her mother was feeling better and had eaten some food. "She spit the rice at me, and I said, ‘I’m glad you’re eating, but do not spit the rice at me.’ " Laughter from everyone. Close-up reaction shot of one of the counselors who smiles, and then becomes serious as we hear Zakiya continue: "And she said, ‘My baby,’ and she closed her eyes and went into a coma." She held her mother’s hand and told her mother, "I was angry when you made yourself DNR, but I understand why you did that. I know you’re at peace now some way. I want you to have a safe trip. She breathed one more time and she was gone."
•   Bob: His father died almost four years ago, six weeks after diagnosis of lung cancer. He relates how his father’s complaint of poor circulation led to a visit to the doctor and then a closer examination of his case. A quick cut to a photograph of his father in old age. The examination led to a diagnosis of lung cancer. "We took him home to die." His father kept apologizing for all the trouble he was causing. One episode that has stayed with Bob was the day he changed both his father’s diaper and his one-year-old daughter’s diaper. "Hardly a day goes by that I don’t miss him." He fights back tears. But he sees his father in his daughter and in his own face. "I just wish he were really around to see."
•   Margot: Her father and mother were killed in a plane crash four years ago. Her father was the pilot. She tells the story of her day at work; she had cleared off her desk and met with staff, almost as if she were going on vacation. Then she went to her church where she volunteered each Tuesday evening. At church a friend pulled her aside and introduced her to two police officers, who told her about the accident. Her first thought was that the other person who was killed was a friend, not her mother--if the plane had reached their destination, then the mother would be alive. She realizes how awful it is to hope someone else died; "But then I would have my mother." Her face is contorted almost as if in rage at what fate has brought her. Her minister came downstairs and "was the first person I cried with." She had to identify her mother over the phone. "A man called us and started describing hair, a piece of a shirt. It was horrific. I lost my security blanket. I was 31 years old, and now I couldn’t screw up. I really had to grow up. My bedroom in my parents’ house wasn’t there for me."
•   Irene: Her father died suddenly two years ago. Her mother, living with cancer, became ill afterwards. "She was my best friend." Quick cut to a photograph of mother and daughter. Her mother had gone into a coma before Christmas, and the family was gathered. "I was holding her hand, and she started stirring. I said, ‘Mom, can you hear me?’ " She nodded. She told her mother how much she loved her and what a great job she had done as a mother. She cries. "Excuse me." She wipes tears away. "Then she just died."

•   Matt shares the difficulty of converting the deathbed room to another use. Irene refers to her role as primary caregiver, and notes that her two brothers won’t talk about their mother’s death; she had no one from her family at Thanksgiving. "The more I talk about it the more I’m helped." Zakiya says her mother has become a kind of "deity"in the family history. Now her role as oldest in the family is to be the "storyteller." She says, "If you want to hear the story you have to hear it from my experience and not to ‘censor me.’ " She adds, "As the stories get told over and over, I’ve learned to tell it to them in a way they can experience it better. There may be more openness to what was really happening--but not as much as I would like to see." Bob says his mother lives alone, but she won’t come and live with them. "She’s missing what my father was able to understand--the real magic of life is in experiencing the joy of everyday. My mother’s attitude is ‘life is a struggle.’ But it’s not always a struggle! It’s your attitude." I feel badly for her. She is like the flower who is wilted, and my dad was the sunshine and the water and the sugar that made it grow."

•   Jennifer shares her longing for her mother when she herself was diagnosed with cancer recently. She recalls her mother saying--and here she speaks through her tears--"I don’t want to leave my children." Cut to a photograph of Jennifer and her two small children. She also didn’t want her children to be afraid of her leaving them. "Now I’m going to be strong for them and make this whole process not be a frightening experience for them."
•   Matt says, "I never had the illusion my parents would always be there. He refers to his parents’ death. Photographs show him as a small both with his father, and then as an adult with his mother. "It’s frightening. I’m on my own. I’m an orphan now. I’m also fortunate because I have a huge family." He wonders what changes are required of him now--to change his job, to get a dog (that line gets laughs). Margot maintains that her church is her "safest place."She says, "I work very hard to create family, because I don’t have one. My parish has become extremely important to me. I can walk into church and people will hug me and love me and they will mean it. And they will say the words--’I love you.’ "
•   Bob says, "I’ve learned that my family is the focus. For me it’s my wife and my daughter. It’s like the Three Musketeers. That’s where the strength is. That’s the core of who and what I am. And without that, I wouldn’t be anything." Photograph of Bob and his wife and children. Irene says that she writes letters to her dead mother. "I have this journal." She explains that she begins, "Hi, Mom, this is what’s going on today." She concludes, "It gives me such peace."

•   Diane recalls speaking at her mother’s funeral. "I got to be her a little bit, and she got to be me." Bob says, "Maybe I’m alone in this physical sense, but I know he’s there. I’ve felt him, when I look up at the sky. And he’s very real and very much a part of my life." Matt recalls one of his dreams about his mother. In the dream she was healthy. She would say, "We need to make plans." He told her, "No, Mom, you’re dead. We’re not doing anything." In the last dream he had she was driving an old Chevy. She was happy and felt good, and it was great to see her." Jennifer tells the story of a dream she had before she was married. In the dream her mother was in the church. She was dressed for the wedding. She had a bouquet of flowers to hand Jennifer when the latter walked down the aisle. The flowers were lilies, but the petals seemed to wind backwards, unlike anything she had ever seen. Then she woke up and felt sad that her mother wouldn’t be at her wedding. When she got her flowers for her bouquet, the florist told her about a new lily that had petals that seemed to be on backwards--the same flowers she dreamed of. "So I said, ‘I’ll take it!’ " Great laughs.

•   Montage of the fathers and mothers, their photographs accompanied by music and the words spoken by the seven adult children reading excerpts from letters they have written to their mothers. In the photographs the parents are lovely, healthy, The full name of each parent is noted on a graphic under the picture. Some excerpts: '' 'Momma!' When my girls say that me, I think of you. I need your help." "I miss seeing your smile when I walk in the door. I can see you are proud of me." "We all miss you. I miss knowing that we are all a phone call away. We all love you and miss you." "Dad, as you can see, Olivia’s grown and has your musical talent." "I love you, and I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I need to feel your presence in my life." "I think what I’m sad about is that I won’t be able to see you see me in the next stages of my life. I would like to feel your presence." "I know that you know I will be able to take care of myself. Watch over those you left, particularly my granddaughter. Just introduce yourself to her when you’re ready. Thank you, Ma.

Discussion Questions and Sample Worksheet

Text of The Great Circle of Life: A Resource Guide to Films and Videos on Aging, copyright © 1987, 1999, 2005, Robert E. Yahnke. All photographs copyrighted by Robert E. Yahnke.  All rights reserved.  Contact author for permission to copy photographs or reprint portions of text.

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