My Mother, My Father
Discussion Questions
Questions are organized according to the four families covered in the film, the
Honels, the Hagwoods, the Tjeerdemas, and the Geralis. General questions are added
at the end of the list.
- Early in the segment, Milt admits that his father "has changed
from a father figure to someone we are all taking care of. I'm no longer his
son." What do his statements suggest about the emotional pain of being
a caregiver?
- What have the Honels learned about the caregiver's role in the five
years they have cared for Milt's father at home?
- What is the source of Milt's wife's resentment toward the other family
members? What would she say at this point about her family's ability to share
caregiving responsibilities?
- Milt's wife refers to the "breakthrough" that occurs when
Milt accepts the responsibility of caring for his father during the night
("night duty"). What effect does this "breakthrough" have
on their own relationship? What insights does Milt gain by undertaking the
new responsibility?
- Late in the segment, Milt recalls the times his father told him that
he loved him. What is particularly important to Milt about this memory?
- What are some of the reasons that the Hagwoods, unlike the Honels,
are not able to care for Julie's mother in their home?
- At the support group meeting, Julie Hagwood notes that members who
have been away come back and say, "I had to come because I'm back to
the screaming stage." Later, Julie says that she has reached the "saturation
point." What are some of the similarities between the "screaming
stage" and the "saturation point" that caregivers experience?
In what ways are support groups a crucial means of helping caregivers move
beyond these stages?
- When Julie shares some of her emotional pain, notice that her husband,
Bill, sits quietly next to her and looks deep in thought. What seems to be
on his mind in this scene? Julie does most of the talking in this segment.
If Bill had spoken more, what would he have said?
- When one of Jenny Tjeerdema’s daughters talks to her mother
alone, what does the daughter appear to be seeking? What examples of nonverbal
communication provide insights into the mother-daughter relationship?
- Two of the daughters appear to feel that Jenny is an uncaring, manipulative
mother. Yet one of them says later that she continues to interact with her
mother so that no one can every say that "she needed me and I wasn't
there." What are some of the feelings this daughter is trying to work
through?
- Compare the conversation scenes among the family members with the
scene showing the support groups meeting attended by the Hagwoods. How are
the group dynamics in these scenes similar?
- Near the end of the segment, a granddaughter tries to analyze her
grandmother's behavior by recalling the latter's bitterness toward her own
mother. "She went from me, to my mother, to herself, to her mother. The
hurts are lifetimes long." What does she mean by this statement? How
does it apply to the Tjeerdema family? How are attempts at caregiving affected
by such long-standing family dynamics?
- How are the family dynamics of the Geralis different from those of
the Tjeerdemas? Compare the two families in terms of communication, roles,
and caregiving strategies.
- What is it about Anna's character that gives her the strength to
overcome a host of physical ailments and contribute to the ongoing life of
the Gerali family?
- Evaluate the family's strategy for keeping Anna independent. Are
there other options they have failed to consider?
- To what extent is the ability of family members to find meaningful
roles when interacting with the aging parent an important variable in achieving
a satisfying and harmonious caregiving relationship?
Sample Worksheet
Identify the one segment (of the four) that gives you the most insights about
caring for aging parents, or identify the one person who gives you the most
insights about caring for aging parents.
- In what ways does the film reinforce what you already know about the dilemma
of being a caregiver of aging parents?
- Can you recall some specific scenes in the film that illustrate the stresses
the caregiver experiences?
- How do you think members of a caregiver's support group would respond to
this film?
Consider the following quotes from the Honels:
- "I'm no longer his son."
- "The hardest thing for me was the anger."
- I learned the kinds of things that worked."
In each case, who is the speaker? What does the speaker mean by the statement?
What emotions are evoked by the statement?
The Great Circle of Life--Home Page
Text of The Great Circle
of Life: A Resource Guide to Films and Videos on Aging, copyright ©
1987, 1999, 2005, Robert E. Yahnke. All photographs copyrighted by Robert E.
Yahnke. All rights reserved. Contact author for permission to copy
photographs or reprint portions of text.