1. How does the presentation of the video--as if simulating a group therapy session--help viewers respond to the emotional depths of the adults' stories?
2.   What function did the three counselors and/or therapists fulfill in the video? How was that function effective in communicating the adults' stories?
3.   What do the stories shared by these adult children have in common?
4.   How does the use of photographs of the dead parents--sometimes with their children-- add an important perspective to the overall video?
5.   What ideas about adult children's emotional and psychological lives are suggested by the title of the video, "Grown-Up Tears"?
6.   The video is structured according to five themes: "Letting Go of Love . . . The Stories"; "Relationships . . . Family & Friends"; "Growing . . . On Our Own"; "The Open Circle"; and "Letters from Home." How was that organization effective?

"Letting Go of Love . . . The Stories"
1.   What was the overarching theme of this section? Which of the stories were most compelling to    you? What were some of the sources of humor in these stories? In what ways was the humor          appropriate?
2.   How was the adult child's absence or presence at the death of the parent a significant variable in their emotional response to the loss?
3. Jennifer refers to giving her mother "permission to die." What did she mean by that statement? How was Jennifer's story similar to Matt's? To Zakiya's? To Irene's?
4. What are some of the regrets expressed by these adult children? To what extent have they resolved those regrets? What other resolutions have they experienced after the deaths of their parents?
5. How was Margot's story different from the other adult children? How did you respond to the story of her loss?

Relationships . . . Family & Friends / Growing Up . . . On Our Own / The Open Circle

1. How does Matt's story help viewers grasp what it means to become an "orphan" in middle age?
2. Where have these adult children found stability and security in their lives? Which of the adult children's sources of stability and security could you identify with most clearly?
3. What is meant by the metaphor, "the open circle"? What kinds of resolutions are evident in this section? In what ways are those resolutions personally significant to the adult children who share their stories?

Letters from Home
1. How was this montage an effective way to conclude the video? What emotions did that technique evoke as you viewed it?
2. Why do two of the adult children speak of the deeply felt need to feel their parents' "presence"?
3. What comments stand out in your memory after seeing this section? What is the overarching emotional mood of this scene? How does it provide an appropriate conclusion for the earlier sections?

Sample Worksheet

Review the comments made by the subjects in this video. The comments are divided into three groups: accounts of the parent's death, follow-up responses relating how the adult child is coping with that loss, and a miscellany of comments that are made at the end of the video in the section Letters from Home. If your audience consists of adults--each of whom has lost at least one parent--then you may want to end the discussion session by asking the participants to write their own "letters home" and invite some of the participants to share those letters with the group as a whole. Make sure you are prepared to deal with the strong emotional response this exercise may evoke. Below is a list of questions appropriate for each section:

1. LOSS: What do these accounts have in common? What emotions dominate in these accounts? Which of the accounts were you able to identify with?
2. COPING WITH LOSS: How are these adult children coping with their losses? What do their stories have in common? What coping techniques were you able to identify with? What concerns do you have about these adult children's future emotional and psychological needs?
3. LETTERS FROM HOME: What was your response to the last scene from the video, which incorporated a variety of responses from the adults in the context of a "letter"? Which of the comments were you able to identify with? Which of the comments seemed most useful as a means of providing resolution for these losses? What are some of the reasons an adult child should write letters to his or her dead parent.

• Jennifer: "I decided that I would paint her fingernails. She always loved to take care of her hands." . . . "I’m the baby, and if the baby says you can go, then you have to go. And she died. It was like just in that moment that was her final major gift to me."
• Matt: "I sat down, opened my book, and her breathing changed." He brought the nurse back, and "moments later she was dead." He adds, "I was glad I made the choice to stay." He fights back tears. "It has really cut down on the ‘should haves’ and ‘could haves.’
• Zakiya: "And she said, ‘My baby,’ and she closed her eyes and went into a coma." Zakiya held her mother’s hand and told her mother, "I was angry when you made yourself DNR, but I understand why you did that. I know you’re at peace now some way. I want you to have a safe trip. She breathed one more time and she was gone."
• Margot: "A man called us and started describing hair, a piece of a shirt. It was horrific. I lost my security blanket. I was 31 years old, and now I couldn’t screw up. I really had to grow up. My bedroom in my parents’ house wasn’t there for me."
• Irene: I said, ‘Mom, can you hear me?’ " She nodded. She told her mother how much she loved her and what a great job she had done as a mother. She wipes tears away. "Then she just died."
• Jennifer: "Now I’m going to be strong for them [her children] and make this whole process not be a frightening experience for them."
• Matt: "I never had the illusion my parents would always be there. He refers to his parents’ death. Photographs show him as a small boy with his father, and then as an adult with his mother. "It’s frightening. I’m on my own. I’m an orphan now. I’m also fortunate because I have a huge family."
• Zakiya: "If you want to hear the story you have to hear it from my experience and not to ‘censor me.’ " She adds, "As the stories get told over and over, I’ve learned to tell it to them in a way they can experience it better. There may be more openness to what was really happening--but not as much as I would like to see."
• Bob: One episode that has stayed with him was the day he changed both his father’s diaper and his one-year-old daughter’s diaper. "Hardly a day goes by that I don’t miss him." He fights back tears. But he sees his father in his daughter and in his own face. "I just wish he were really around to see."
• Bob: "[My mother is] missing what my father was able to understand--the real magic of life is in experiencing the joy of everyday. My mother’s attitude is ‘life is a struggle.’ But it’s not always a struggle! It’s your attitude." I feel badly for her. She is like the flower who is wilted, and my dad was the sunshine and the water and the sugar that made it grow."
• Bob: "I’ve learned that my family is the focus. For me it’s my wife and my daughter. It’s like the Three Musketeers. That’s where the strength is. That’s the core of who and what I am. And without that, I wouldn’t be anything."
• Bob: "Maybe I’m alone in this physical sense, but I know he’s there. I’ve felt him, when I look up at the sky. And he’s very real and very much a part of my life."
• Margot: "I work very hard to create family, because I don’t have one. My parish has become extremely important to me. I can walk into church and people will hug me and love me and they will mean it. And they will say the words--’I love you.’"
• Irene: "The more I talk about it the more I’m helped." . . . "I have this journal." She explains that she begins, "Hi, Mom, this is what’s going on today." She concludes, "It gives me such peace."
• Irene: "I think what I’m sad about is that I won’t be able to see you see me in the next stages of my life. I would like to feel your presence."
• Irene: "I know that you know I will be able to take care of myself. Watch over those you left, particularly my granddaughter. Just introduce yourself to her when you’re ready. Thank you, Ma."

The Great Circle of Life--Home Page

Text of The Great Circle of Life: A Resource Guide to Films and Videos on Aging, copyright © 1987, 1999, 2005, Robert E. Yahnke. All photographs copyrighted by Robert E. Yahnke.  All rights reserved.  Contact author for permission to copy photographs or reprint portions of text.

The views and opinions expressed in this page are strictly those of the page author.
The contents of this page have not been reviewed or approved by the University of Minnesota.