The Change

by Gayle M. Petty

an excerpt

CHARACTERS:

HEIDI HARRIGAN: MENOPAUSAL HELPFULHINTS COLUMNIST; A WOMAN OF PRACTICALITY

GABRIELLA ANNETTE BAKER (GABBY): BODACIOUS WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE; OUTRAGEOUS RADIO TALKSHOW HOST; POSTMENOPAUSAL WOMAN

GWENDOLYN GOODWIN (GOODIE): PERIMENOPAUSAL WOMAN; WOMAN OF BEAUTY; TELEVISION ANCHORWOMAN

WAITRESS DRESSED LIKE CAT WOMAN

ALSO IN MULTIPLE ROLES AS:

     NOSE-RINGED TEENAGER

     XAVIA, AN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR

     SCREAMS OF PREGNANT WOMAN

     OBSTETRICIAN

THE ACTION occurs during a March evening in the present time in the restaurant and bar called Kitty's Cabaret.

Setting: Kitty's Cabaret: (Cat motif is accented in the decor.) This is the last available table off the kitchen and the bathroom. There is a coat rack near the table and a busing cart by the kitchen exit.

A representative women's rest room is down right with the vanity and vanity mirror facing the audience.

(GABRIELLA (Gabby) sits at the table She is a woman of substance about fifty-five, a radio talk show host, flamboyantly dressed. She wears dancer's leggings above her boots. She obviously takes bundling for the weather seriously. She has shopping bags and an ample purse with her. She ravenously devours the sundae and slurps the Coke to a noisy end. Surveys dishes, crumples a few napkins into the tulip ice cream dish, and pushes them to the center of the table. She digs in her oversized purse, finds a Dynamint box. She rattles the single Dynamint left out of the box, disposes of it with great relish, then checks her breath by blowing into her hand.)

(Enter HEIDI with waitress. Heidi is a menopausal woman in deep denial. She is a woman of practicality.)

(Gabby immediately jumps up and extends the hand that she just used to check her breath.)

GABBY:

You must be Heidi Harrigan. I'm Gabriella Annette Baker. You can call me Gabby.

HEIDI:

How did you know me?

GABBY:

Simple deduction. Everyone knows Gwendolyn Goodwin, Channel 3 anchorwoman.

HEIDI:

Right. She better come incognito as we agreed.

GABBY

We shouldn't be too noticed back here by the kitchen.

HEIDI:

They're very busy.

GABBY:

Very. They haven't even cleared this table.

HEIDI:

Here, let me just take these few things.

(HEIDI efficiently clears the table and buses items to the dish cart by the kitchen door. At the cart she grabs a spray bottle and rag and returns to clean the table in a tidy attack.)

(The CAT WOMAN WAITRESS slinks in followed by GWENDOLYN GOODWIN (Goodie). Goodie still has her channel 3 weather umbrella up. Her trench-coat collar is around her ears. She wears earmuffs, scarf, and sunglasses.)

(She carries a carefully coordinated purse, a Macy's bag, a gym bag. Even when trying to go unnoticed, she emits the star quality of a beauty queen. She is a television anchorwoman, a woman of beauty.)

WAITRESS:

Your table.

(The WAITRESS grabs the spray bottle and rag from Heidi in midair.)

Excuse me. Let me clear table four. Be back with menus and get your drink order. Coatrack is here.

(HEIDI extends her hand to Goodie.)

HEIDI:

Heidi Harrigan, Daily Gazette.

GOODIE:

Oh, I read your helpful hints faithfully. Who would think peanut butter would take gum out of my two-year-old's hair!

HEIDI:

I hope you used creamy not crunchy. That's...(a common mistake)

GABBY

(Breaking into the bonding.) Gabriella Annette Baker, KTUY. Just call me Gabby.

GOODIE:

I've never heard your show. I've only heard of it.

HEIDI:

So, we're here. Where is he?

GABBY:

Mr. Bigg.

GOODIE:

Probably delayed by the storm. Wendy the Weather Woman predicted a traditional March tournament blizzard.

GABBY:

When can you ever trust a weather woman?

HEIDI:

Well, we're here. Let's settle in.

GABBY:

Our coatrack.

GOODIE:

Kitty's is an obscure place.

HEIDI:

Really out of the way.

GOODIE:

This close to the Convention Center with the women's convention in town, looks like our fellow patrons are all out-of-towners.

(She gestures to audience and peers as she removes her sunglasses.)

GABBY:

You know the old saying. You never know who you're going to run into in the bathroom. (She indicates the proximity to the rest room.)

HEIDI:

I certainly hope Mr. Bigg finds us secluded here.

(The women remove their coats, hats, shopping bags at the coat rack. As they smooth their skirts, they hobble like birds on a telephone wire back to the table. Standing each with their hand on the back of their respective chairs, they pull them out in unison. They all speak at once and seat themselves quickly to lean into the table.)

GABBY-HEIDI-GOODIE:

You're wearing my dress!

HEIDI:

It's a jumper really. I bought it to test the heat-sensitive material for my column.

Goodie:

I bought this new today at the Macy's sale. I wouldn't be caught dead in this in real life.

Gabby:

I thought we agreed to come incognito. I bought this Snow White outfit at Lane's.

HEIDI:

My picture doesn't run with my column and so I am obscure.

GABBY:

Drat, I have such an unusual voice. (whispering) I'll just try to keep a lid on it.

GOODIE:

Gag Gabby bumper stickers are everywhere. And your billboard too.

GABBY:

Here's a Goodie. You're all over the evening news: Our metro sweetheart at seven.

HEIDI:

Sshh. Let's not draw attention. Let's just keep a look out for Mr. Bigg.

GABBY:

What'd that outfit cost at Macy's?

GOODIE:

$75.00. It is too embarrassing. Where is Mr. Bigg?

HEIDI:

This jumper came from Speigel. Delivered by discreet courier to my office. $59.95.

GABBY:

Where's our waitress? Where's Mr. Bigg? We didn't come here to chat about our fashion faux pas.

WAITRESS:

Who are we? The Andrew's sisters? The Supremes?

GABBY:

We're thirsty and not even a glass of water.

HEIDI:

We'd like to order while waiting for our final guest.

GOODIE:

I could use a drink.

GABBY:

Make mine a double.

WAITRESS:

Happy hour is ending. Partner night tonight. Declare your partner for double rounds. (To Gabby) Apparently in your case, that could be double trouble.

HEIDI:

My bridge partner. (pointing left)

GOODIE:

She's my tennis partner. (pointing right)

GABBY:

My business partners. (pointing at both)

WAITRESS:

I was referring to life partner.

GOODIE:

Oh, life.

GABBY:

We're all in this predicament together.

HEIDI:

The ruination of our lives.

WAITRESS:

Hmmn. An unlikely menage á trois. Two for one and doubles for all. The three musketeers.

GABBY:

Red wine, Merlot.

GOODIE:

Yes, red wine, Bordeaux.

HEIDI:

White wine, Chablis.

(WAITRESS exits and returns with wine. HEIDI immediately uses her menu for a fan.)

GABBY:

Mr. Bigg said he can rig the Copernicus Cup by hacking in the database on the Internet.

HEIDI:

I don't doubt that possibility. I use the Internet quite extensively researching my column.

GOODIE:

But he's an extortionist. I was certain that my popularity as news anchor would carry me in this contest. I've always have been so good at winning pageants.

GABBY:

I think it is positively terrible that the city fathers cooked up this Copernicus Cup.

GOODIE:

But it's a way to focus on Women's Month. KMOJ has done a heartwarming and informative feature every night.

HEIDI:

We're part of a mall-grazing society. We women are the new hunter-gatherers. You turn lives of women into sound bites, Gwendolyn, and the women buy it like shopping for panty hose. They need messages of process that will last! They need my column.

GABBY:

Oh go on, go on. You're simply spouting party politics. Don't justify yourself Heidi--Helpful Hints Schmints. They need my talk show... They need to TALK.

HEIDI:

There is no process in life anymore. No cooperation between the species. Men and women are at odds. Divorce is more popular than marriage. Helpful Hints, give women a process to mend and repair.

GOODIE:

Face it. This media pageant is a horse race with a silly title for this, this cabin fever fiasco!

HEIDI:

The ancient astronomer, Copernicus, describes the earth revolving around the sun.

GABBY:

That makes us planets circling around these men?

HEIDI:

No, I think it is sweet to imply that the world revolves around women, especially during Women's Month.

GOODIE:

So, you can fit it into your mall-grazing theory. No. This is a horse race plain and simple. Designed by men so they have something to bet on between the football and baseball. We are three well-bred media horses.

GABBY & HEIDI:

Celebrate Women's Awareness Month as brought to you by three celebrity women.

GOODIE:

The polls currently show the three celebrity women in a horse race, neck and neck to the photo finish. Stay tuned to television, radio, and the newspaper for further details.

GABBY:

Enter Mr. Ervin Bigg.

HEIDI:

The modern-day Mephistopheles.

GOODIE:

The mercenary mole. He laid out the sham for me.

HEIDI:

And for me.

GABBY:

Oh stop. Nothing would prevent that barracuda from leaking our private secrets to the Internet.

GOODIE:

From there, gossip tabloids.

HEIDI:

From there, my life.

GOODIE:

My job, my marriage.

GABBY:

(sputtering) I would be sent back to storefront hot-tub talk shows and other stunts. The old reprobate. Look at me now. I'd have to do those shows in full scuba gear. We're going to talk ladies. We're going to talk.

HEIDI:

We are not without media clout. We should be able to stand up to this, this... this...

GABBY:

Willful, malicious, capricious, controlling, inappropriate. . .

GOODIE:

Manipulative worm.

© Gayle M. Petty
Reading at the Playwrights' Center, 1996