Question 5
What specific patterns of behavior will we follow or avoid?

Default answer:  Love, honor, (& obey).
The marriage vows usually include some general affirmations
such as love, honor, & cherish as guidance
for how the relationship will actually be carried out,
but do such abstract expressions lead to specific behaviors?

Creative answers: So this is your opportunity to be more explicit about
what you want your relationship to include and exclude.
If you are creating this relationship contract as an alternative to divorce,
then you probably have some specific behaviors in mind
that are threatening to bring your marriage to an end.
These might be either positive behaviors that were not forthcoming
or negative behaviors that one of you wants to avoid.

     Let's start with the negative behaviors you promise to avoid
in your next contract with each other.
If you have related for a few months, you already know the behavior
that at least one of you would like to eliminate from your relationship.
You will have to negotiate these specific issues.
Do you value your relationship enough to give up the bad habits?

     Here are some possible promises to put into your contract:
To give up smoking, drinking, using illegal drugs, gambling,
over-spending, over-eating, loud music, having affairs, criminal behavior,
physical or mental abuse, irritating habits, teasing, nagging, complaining,
spending too much time with other friends or relatives,
problems with personal hygiene, care of clothes, dishes, tools, pets, yard.
Whatever problems and tensions have been threatening
to cause divorce or the end of your relationship
can be specified in this part of your new contract.
If these specific problems are corrected, your relationship will be renewed.
But if you cannot or will not eliminate such negative behaviors,
at least you will know why your relationship had to end.

     You might also want to specify some positive behaviors you promise: 
To be more responsible in financial matters;
to take better care of the children;
to enter marital counseling of a certain duration;
to save more time for each other (how much?);
to allow each other more private 'free time';
to allow separate vacations or trips with other people.

Question 5:     WHAT PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR WILL WE FOLLOW?     by James Park      37



Above you have the first page of Question 5 from Designer Marriage.
More details about behavior wanted or not wanted are discussed on the next page.



Return to the table of contents for

Designer Marriage: Write Your Own Relationship Contract


Created April 4, 2009; Revised


Return to the LOVE page.



Go to the opening page for this website:
An Existential Philosopher's Museum





The views and opinions expressed in this page are strictly those of the page author.
The contents of this page have not been reviewed or approved by the University of Minnesota.