SYNOPSIS OF CHAPTER 3
& Flexibility instead of Security & Obligation
How often do people assume that love and freedom are incompatible?
How frequently do people use their loving relationships
as a means of feeling more secure?
Is it possible to be both deeply committed and completely
How can we change in our relationships
to incorporate more freedom
and to feel less limited and confined?
The old way of 'loving' generally sought
stable and secure relationship-patterns.
But the new way of loving described in this chapter
shows how it might be possible to insert choice and flexibility
into an old pattern of love
that was generally characterized by security and obligation.
The old way of 'loving' sought permanence.
But this new way of loving permits (even expects) each relationship
to grow and change as the people themselves grow and change.
When we freely-commit ourselves,
we never establish permanent relationships.
But, looking back,
we might see that we have had a long-lasting relationship
—or, more likely, a series of different
Instead of looking forward and making promises we
we renew our relationship in every present now.
We re-commit ourselves for as long as
we both believe it is meaningful to create
or to re-create a
loving relationship between us.
Loving in freedom also embraces the possibility of
including the possibility that our relationship might end.
Affirming choice and flexibility above security
challenges us to love in more deeply meaningful ways.
"Loving in Freedom:
Choice and Flexibility instead of Security and Obligation"
MIGHT CHANGE YOUR LOVE-LIFE
If you have been loving under the old assumptions
of security and obligation,
switching over to this new
way of loving
—in complete freedom and
will certainly have
profound implications for your relationship.
You will find yourself talking about your
rather than just assuming that it will continue along in its old
You will see different phases in the history of your relationship.
You might even describe these phases as
different relationships with the same person.
And—most important—you will be empowered
to renew and revise your relationship
so that it better suits the two persons you are now becoming.
If you embrace freedom as a primary
principle of your relationship,
you will be able to consider several alternative futures for your love.
Instead of being threatened
by the possibility of change,
you will enjoy imagining which improved forms
your new relationship might take.
freedom gives you permission
to project creative experiments,
to consider their pros and cons,
and to try out the most promising possibilities
for the two persons you are now becoming.
Loving in freedom is loving in becoming.
If you would like to read the first two pages of
this chapter, click
Freedom: Choice & Flexibility instead of Security & Obligation"
The first page includes the table of contents for this chapter.
A cyber-sermon has been created from the opening
pages of this chapter: