How can we transcend
our romantic delusions and fantasy feelings
and build our loving relationships on
reality?
Romantic love may be
the most pervasive myth of Western culture.
Romance is a cultural invention,
not a natural phenomenon.
We have been so deeply indoctrinated
into the romantic myth
that we have no awareness of the process
of emotional programming
that created our romantic responses.
Popular culture is the main way we learn
how to 'fall in love'.
Movies, television, popular songs, novels,
and magazines
all train our feelings into the
wonderful delusion of romance.
Our romantic games
would be harmless if everyone knew
that romantic love is a fantasy feeling.
But while still under the influence of
romantic illusions,
some people make the life-altering mistake
of getting married.
Perhaps we guard against every form of
political
or religious mythology,
but what about the most potentially harmful
myth—romantic love?
Religious indoctrination
demonstrates emotional programming.
Is 'being saved' the religious equivalent
of 'falling in love'?
We are taught what emotions to expect—then
we try to create them.
If romantic love is
a hoax, what should we do?
Real information can replace romantic
illusions.
We can love on the basis of who we
choose to be
rather than trying to reproduce romance
as seen on television.
OUTLINE:
I. Romantic Love was Invented 800 Years Ago by the French Troubadours.
II. 'Falling in Love' as Temporary Insanity.
III. Love & Marriage: Fantasy & Facts.
IV. How Did We Learn the Romantic Response?
V. Emotional Programming: Romantic & Religious.
VI. Good-bye to Illusions, Hello to Reality.
by James Park
I. Romantic Love was Invented 800 Years Ago by the French Troubadours.
Most of us emerged
from childhood
believing that romantic love is a natural
phenomenon.
When we 'fall in love', we seem to be
possessed
by an irresistible passion, filling our
hearts.
So, how could these romantic feelings
be a cultural creation,
invented only 800 years ago?
Before the Middle Ages,
some people probably experienced
exaggerated, fantasy feelings close to
what we now call "romantic love".
But such accidental eruptions of personal,
deluded feelings
did not become the passion of the masses
until the French troubadours refined
and spread the emotional game of love.
Who were these people
who—as a matter of historical fact—
started the feeling that has now
become a taken-for-granted phenomenon?
The French troubadours were traveling
entertainers who
put on plays, recited poetry, and sang
the popular songs of the day.
Their audiences especially liked romantic
stories and songs.
The tradition they started has continued
into the popular culture of today.
II. 'Falling in Love' as Temporary Insanity.
Romantic love is an
altered state of consciousness.
We seem possessed by an alien force taking
over our minds.
Everything seems wonderful—especially
the object of our love.
Our 'spontaneous' love-reactions
pull us together
into a whirlpool of hopeless, uncontrollable,
overwhelming passion.
It is like surfing on an ocean wave
—sliding down a surging force beyond
our control.
Romantic love is blind
because we are really responding
to our own internal fantasies, well-prepared
by the romantic tradition.
For years, we have been yearning for
our Dream Lover.
And when a close approximation appears,
we project all our pent-up fantasies
upon that unsuspecting victim.
These experiences are
really being in love with love.
Such 'love' is entirely an emotion,
taking place inside our own skins.
Perhaps we remain basically closed persons,
intensely enjoying our own private, internal
feelings,
using others as props or supporting characters
in our grand love stories.
III. Love & Marriage: Fantasy & Facts.
In the American way
of love, marriages are contracted 'for love'.
But often the kind of 'love' that leads
to the altar is romantic infatuation.
After the honeymoon is over, grim reality
submerges the fantasy.
The bubble of romance, which seemed so
exquisitely beautiful for a moment,
vanishes with a silent pop, leaving only
a small wet mark.
In other cultures,
marriages are created for more practical reasons.
If there is to be any affection, it can
come along later.
But perhaps romantic
love and marriage are incompatible.
Projected fantasies seldom survive years
of living together.
Romantic love can be an enjoyable and
harmless emotional game
—as long as we don't attempt to construct
our lives around it.
IV. How Did We Learn the Romantic Response?
Almost from the moment of birth,
we have been surrounded
by the romantic mythology.
Every element of
the popular culture assumes that romance is real:
television, movies,
novels, poetry, soap operas, advertising,
popular music of
every kind, newspapers, magazines, dating services.
We grew up in a
milieu of romantic love.
Everywhere we turn,
even tho we seldom notice it,
someone is making
positive refererences to 'falling in love'.
The reason for the uniformity of our romantic beliefs and experiences
is not genetic
similarity, control by the gods, or a common 'human nature'
—but a common
cultural tradition going back to the Middle Ages.
As diverse as we
are, most of us pursue the same dream of romantic love.
Without the help
of any organized conspiracy,
hundreds of accidental
elements of popular culture
have shown us how
to 'fall in love'.
These ever-present
perveyors of the romantic mythology
have shaped our
deepest emotional-psychological structure:
We have been programmed
to respond when someone pushes the love bottom.
V. Emotional Programming: Romantic & Religious.
That we human beings can be programmed emotionally
is amply demonstrated
by such diverse phenomena as
nationalism, ethnic
pride, loyalty to a sporting team,
or attachment to
a television program.
But the deepest examples of emotional indoctrination
come from the diverse
religions of the human race.
When we are surrounded
by people who fervently believe
'truths' about
themselves and the universe,
we often grow up
with the same religious assumptions.
Or we may have
had a 'conversion experience',
in which our feelings
were suddenly transformed into a new condition.
But what was the source or cause of this new emotional state?
Was it not the
emotional
expectations we had internalized
from the sub-culture
that followed that particular religion?
We can be objective about religions emotional indoctrination
because only a
certain segment of any population
embraces a particular
form of religious faith.
But the romantic
mythology surrounds everyone.
We have all learned
the proper emotions to expect.
Almost all of us
try
to have the romantic emotions we believe are real.
VI. Good-bye to Illusions, Hello to Reality.
The
difficulty we may have in making ourselves 'fall in love'
is not our emotional
deficiency but our intellectual honesty.
If we eventually
become convinced that romantic love is an illusion,
a web of projected
fantasies and artificial feelings, what do we do next?
We can abandon these cultural delusions and begin to establish
our relationships
based on real information about each other
and genuine commitment
toward each other.
Reality-based relationships
may not have the same emotional high,
but, in the long
run, they are much better for us.
Instead of projecting
our pre-existing fantasies on others,
we can get to know
them as they really are
—and as the persons
they are becoming.
The wild, extravagant feeling of being hear-over-heels in love
is certainly an
enjoyable delusion while the emotional 'high' lasts,
but should we attempt
to build relationships on fantasy feelings?
AUTHOR:
James Park is an existential
philosopher
with a deep interest in the dynamics
of love.
The first chapter of his most popular
book
—New Ways of
Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships—
is called "Romantic Love is a Hoax!
Emotional Programming to 'Fall in Love'".
This 23-page chapter forms the background
for the above 3-page article.
Full information about
New
Ways of Loving will appear
if you click this title:
New
Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/NWL.html
If you would like to
measure your own level of romance,
you might want to take
The
Romantic Love Test: How Do We Know If We Are in Love?
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/RLT-WEB.html
This 180-question test divides the phenomenon
of romantic love
into 26 manifestations (the A-Z of romantic
love).
If you want to read
more books critical of romantic love,
see the Romantic
Love Bibliography.
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/B-ROMC.html
This feature article
is published by Heart,
Mind, & Spirit
—an electronic magazine for UUs on campus.
For complete information about this publication,
go to this URL:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/HMS.html
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