Twenty-one features of dependent relationships:
D 1. My 'love' is all-consuming.
D 2. I lose myself in the one I love.
D 3. I want to be submissive. / I want to be dominant.
D 4. I have a terrible fear of losing my beloved.
D 5. I anxiously seek signs of love's collapse.
D 6. I fear change, risk, and the unknown.
D 7. My personal growth has stopped.
D 8. I don't really feel close to the one I 'love'.
D 9. My love-life is filled with tumult and melodrama.
D10. I 'give' in order to get a fair return.
D11. I demand and expect unconditional love.
D12. I attempt to change my beloved.
D13. I need my beloved to complete me.
D14. I expect my beloved to solve all my problems.
D15. I protest loudly, "I don't need you!"
D16. I gain my worth and value thru my beloved.
D17. I worry that I will be abandoned by my beloved.
D18. I am preoccupied by negative feelings from the past.
D19. I have a passion for closeness—and a fear of it.
D20. I take care of the feelings of my beloved.
D21. I try to control my beloved.
Twenty-one features of relationships based on Authenticity:
A 1. Our Loving relationship enables us to be independent.
A 2. Our individual wholeness and separateness enables us to love.
A 3. We create our relationship in mutual respect.
A 4. We are no longer fear the end of our relationship.
A 5. We are able to share negative comments constructively.
A 6. We enjoy growth, exploration, and experimentation.
A 7. We stimulate each other to continue growing.
A 8. We experience deep sharing on many levels.
A 9. We have productive and calm communication.
A10. We give freely and lovingly to each other
—without expecting anything in return.A11. We can give and accept love as a gift.
A12. We accept each other as we are.
A13. We are whole and complete within ourselves.
A14. We solve our own problems, with help if needed.
A15. We are comfortable, independent, and self-possessed
—and have a non-manipulative relationship.A16. We have created value and worth within ourselves;
and love emerges from our self-esteem.A17. We can be separate because we basically trust
ourselves and each other.A18. We can realistically evaluate our relationship.
A19. We accept and appreciate whatever closeness
emerges in our relationship.A20. We take care of our own feelings.
A21. We have replaced power-plays by loving in freedom.
Each of the 21 sections
of the book describes and discusses
that dimension of interpersonal growth.
A Relationship Score Sheet is included,
which enables readers to evaluate their own relationships
on a 1-5 scale between
the Dependent Orientation and Loving From Authenticity.
Ordering information for Growing in Love .
Return to the LOVE page.
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An Existential Philosopher's Museum .