Loneliness is an
aching
void in the center of our being,
a deep longing to love and to be loved,
to be fully known and accepted by at
least one other person.
It is a hollow, haunting sound sweeping
thru our depths,
chilling our bones and causing us to
shiver.
Is there a person
who has never felt the stab of loneliness,
who has never known the eerie distance
of isolation and separation,
who has never suffered the pain of
rejection
or the loss of love?
But another kind
of
'loneliness' is deeper than love.
Spiritual loneliness is not longing
for a specific person
or the general urge to have more contact
with others.
Rather it is an incompleteness of being,
an emptiness,
which we mistakenly believe can be
overcome
by better relationships.
Being together with other people, even
people we love intensely,
does not overcome this deep
incompleteness
in our beings.
Loneliness for
a specific person
is the experienced absence of
someone we love.
Loneliness for people in general
is our need for human contact.
We may feel cut off from other
people, even in the middle of a crowd.
Perhaps we sense an invisible glass
wall separating us from others.
Some people
suggest
that the more deeply our bodies are involved,
the deeper the communication will be.
But even the most intimate bodily
contact,
having sex with someone,
can be an experience of intense
loneliness.
Sex can be one of the loneliest
experiences
in the world
—perhaps especially when we expected
it to create
the deepest and most ideal communication
and closeness.
If sex does not take away our
loneliness, can anything?
Cultural
expectations
also make us more lonely,
because we are trying to fulfill an
unrealistic dream of perfect love.
If everyone else seems to have fine
loving relationships,
we may feel that we have been left out
of a wonderful experience.
If we are not coupled with someone,
we may feel inadequate.
Interpersonal
loneliness
arises from the clash
between the ideal state of love and
the actual state of separateness.
There are two ways to relieve this
tension:
One is to get into better relationships
(the most popular approach);
the other is to notice that the 'ideal'
is unrealistic.
But whatever the
state
of our relationships
—whether close and warm, boring and
cool, or non-existent—
we should distinguish our experience
of interpersonal loneliness
from the much deeper, more central,
spiritual
loneliness.
Spiritual
loneliness
is really a void within ourselves,
a hollowness that cannot be filled
with other people
—no matter how close, warm, and
fulfilling
our relationships might be.
The yearning we feel is real; it comes
from the depths of our selves.
But we are misled by our culture if
we believe
that love is the answer to our
spiritual yearning.
Fusing with another person is supposed
to solve all our problems.
But if our real problem is our Spiritual
Malaise—felt as loneliness—
even the most ideal loving relationship
will not fill the aching void.
For a time,
probably,
love will cover our inner emptiness,
but after the initial period of
emotional
excitement is over,
our fundamental hollowness will make
itself felt again.
Then we may blame each other for our
spiritual alienation.
We may respond to the reappearance of
loneliness by changing partners.
With a new person to love, we can become
lost in romance again,
forgetting momentarily our inner
incompleteness
of being.
The belief that
'true
love' will solve our Spiritual Dilemma
is one of the strongest illusions of
the Western world.
Perhaps only a series of disappointments
will convince us
that love cannot solve our spiritual
loneliness.
Interpersonal
loneliness
may be distinguished
from spiritual loneliness in five ways:
1. Both the
longing
for a specific person and the general urge
to make connections with others are
clearly
interpersonal feelings.
But spiritual loneliness only seems
to be yearning for love.
Even the best love will not abolish
our spiritual loneliness.
After a while, the inner lack or
hollowness
gnaws thru again.
2. Interpersonal
loneliness
results from being isolated and alone.
When we reunite with the people we love,
our loneliness disappears.
But when being together with the people
we love
does not overcome our
'loneliness',
it may be spiritual loneliness.
We may feel 'lonely', incomplete, and
unfulfilled
even when we are receiving all the
loving
we could ask for.
Nothing others can do will abolish this
'loneliness'
because the problem is spiritual rather
than interpersonal.
3. Interpersonal
loneliness
is usually temporary;
when our relationships improve, this
loneliness disappears.
But spiritual loneliness is a permanent
condition of our beings.
Independent of the ups and downs of
our love-lives,
our spiritual loneliness remains—a
persistent
lack of wholeness.
4. Interpersonal
loneliness
affects only one part of our lives.
But spiritual loneliness affects every
dimension of existence.
We feel incomplete, inadequate,
miserable
in everything.
5. We know now to
cure
interpersonal loneliness: Find people.
It is seldom easy to create good
personal relationships,
but at least we know some appropriate
ways to open ourselves to others.
But rearranging our relationships will
not cure our spiritual loneliness.
In fact, we may be disappointed to feel
essentially 'lonely'
even when our relationships are doing
very well.
Our central hollowness remains
unfulfilled
no matter what the state of our personal
relationships.
Spiritual
loneliness
is discovered in our depths.
Sometimes, when we least expect it,
loneliness
freezes us.
Or perhaps it feels like the bottom
dropping out of our being.
We feel incomplete, as if something
important is missing.
We feel shaky and insecure inside, weak
and 'clingy'.
Sometimes this gnawing deficiency makes
us want to 'devour' others
—to get as much of them as possible,
to complete our egos by possessing them.
Or we may seek to be supported and
protected
by others.
However, our
spiritual
loneliness can be cured
—independent of our personal
relationships.
If our interior hollowness is filled,
we no longer use other persons
to plug up our inner holes and fill
in our deficiencies of being.
Instead of trying to fit other people
into our interior gap,
we find ourselves loving from a deep
richness, fullness, and completeness.
We are empowered to give to
others
without expecting anything in return.
Altho each
person's
journey toward this liberation is individual,
we may, nevertheless, distinguish three
movements within our spirits:
1. We separate interpersonal
loneliness from spiritual loneliness.
2. We abandon our former attempts to
solve our Malaise by love.
3. We leap across the Abyss and find
ourselves freed from spiritual loneliness.
When we discover
how
to open ourselves to this gift,
our hollow yearning is filled, our
spiritual
loneliness is cured.
In that very place in our depths where
we used to feel
empty, lacking, deficient, incomplete,
lonely, and needy,
we now find ourselves satisfied and
full.
This new
fulfillment
empowers us to love in a new way.
Instead of trying to use others to fill
our aching spiritual Void,
we can now appreciate them for the
persons they really are.
We no longer need to cling to
others
because their absence does not throw
us back into spiritual loneliness.
Having received the fulfilling gift
of Existential Freedom,
which far surpasses anything possible
in personal relationships,
we are empowered to love from fullness
rather than emptiness.
Interpersonal Loneliness Spiritual Loneliness
1. Human isolation, separation, 1. Incompleteness of being,
lack of relationship. lack of wholeness.
2. Results from being alone; 2. Primordial incompleteness of self;
social cause. inward source.
3. Comes and goes with the 3. Permanent lack of completeness
rise and fall of relationships. even within love.
4. Limited to the interpersonal 4. Taints every aspect of life;
dimension of life. cannot be isolated.
5. Solved by communication, 5. Cannot be overcome by love;
sharing, closeness, love. incompleteness, unfulfillment continues.
1. Have you ever felt lonely for one specific person?
2. Have you also felt the general desire to have more human contact?
3. Have you believed that love is the answer to your Spiritual Malaise?
4. To what extent have you tried
to
solve your spiritual loneliness
by trying to
create
better loving relationships?
5. If you are not yet convinced,
what
additional experiences
are likely to
convince you that love cannot cure spiritual loneliness?
6. In what ways does our culture say that love is the answer?
7. How realistic are the images of love in movies, music, etc.?
8. Have you ever experienced
spiritual
loneliness
even in the midst
of a wonderful loving relationship?
9. What part of your 'urge to
merge'
with another person
is really your
underlying spiritual loneliness?
10. Is continued spiritual loneliness sometimes a cause of divorce?
11. Where are you in your spiritual journey from loneliness to Existential Freedom?
12. Has Existential Freedom enabled you to love without clinging?
Further Reading on Spiritual Loneliness and its Solution
James Park Our
Existential Predicament:
Loneliness,
Depression, Anxiety, & Death
(Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books,
1995)
Chapter 1, "Existential Loneliness"
p. 25-38.
James Park New
Ways of Loving (Minneapolis, MN: Existential Books, 1999)
Chapter 13 "Love
Among Existentially Free People" p. 224-231.
James Park Opening to Grace:
Transcending
Our Spiritual Malaise (forthcoming).
(Chapter 1 of this book is available
on-line:
Interpersonal
Loneliness & Spiritual Loneliness.
For several other background books,
click: Books
on Existential Spirituality.
For a one-page outline of a
presentation
of this same subject,
click the following title:
Loneliness
of Spirit: Deeper than the Reach of Love.
James Park is an
existential
philosopher who has been active
in UU campus ministry in Minneapolis,
Minnesota since 1986.
He is the editor of Heart,
Mind, & Spirit.
This 10KB essay is adapted from Chapter
1 of his forthcoming small book
Opening to Grace: Transcending Our
Spiritual Malaise.
All rights reserved.
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