On a cold Wednesday night in early March, we Campus Republicans compiled a sharp and pointed critique of MPIRG (Minnesota Public Interest Research Group). MPRIG being a notorious lefty campus group renowned for stealing money from students and its affinity for conversations with vaginas, we knew that as Republicans we had to take action in the greatest tradition of Martin Luther's 95 Theses, the colonial grievances listed in the Declaration of Independence, and the Contract with America.
So without further delay, we submit to you...
THE CAMPUS REPUBLICANS
TOP 10 REASONS WHY:
1. MPIRG = THEFT
2. MPIRG takes money from students without their "express consent".
3. MPIRG uses student money for non-campus issues.
4. MPIRG uses student money to pay for high-priced Ralph Nader lobbyists.
5. MPIRG claims to be "public interest" when in reality they are a "special interest" group.
6. Nuclear power is good!
7. Subsidized housing is stupid and raises prices.
8. MPIRG takes back one night a year, but don't support giving women firearms to protect themselves the other 364 nights.
9. MPIRG may or may not be a front for ELF!
And the Campus Republican #10 reason why MPIRG sucks...
10. MPIRG is a bunch of pansy dirt-loving tree-hugging Commu-Nazis more concerned with ATM fees and greenspace then their own blatent theft of student money.