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Richard.Jewell.net |
CollegeWriting.info
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CollegeWriting.info |
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UNDER CONSTRUCTION
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chapter |
Chapter X. Other Editing |
"X" |
section |
Rough Draft:
several
misc. editing things
USING MIXED-LENGTH
SENTENCES--From a fairly recent version of the Reaction to a Reading chapter in Focus
on Writing First, varying sentence lengths helps our
readers pay more attention to whatyou are writing. Ifyou wish to convince our
readers of whatyou are saying, and attract them to our contents,you should make
the contents easy to read. One way of doing this is by varying the lengths of
sentences and paragraphs. This is a technique used by many magazine editors.
Sentences and paragraphs that are all the same length--all short or all
long--lead to boring reading, much like listening to the constant drone of an
air conditioner. Here is an example: CHANGE CHOPPY SERIES: We drove to town.you ate at Sally's Grill. The
food was TO LONGER SERIES: We drove to town and ate at Sally's Grill. The
food was TO MIXED-LENGTH SERIES: We drove to town and ate at Sally's Grill. The
food was Sometimes sentences and paragraphs all the same
length even can lead to making your readers fall asleep! So unless you are
trying to give your readers a nap, vary both sentence and paragraph lengths,
mixing short and long as above. ----- In editing sentence structure, you
should consider two important items:. changing choppy sentences to sentences of varied lengths, and changing
passive verbs to active. Whenyou are writing academic essays
(and, eventually, business and public writings),you want to convince others of
the truth and accuracy of whatyou are saying. To do this, to some extentyou must
make the contents of our papers interesting and enjoyable to read. One way of
doing this is by varying the lengths of sentences and paragraphs. This is a
technique used, for example, by many magazine editors. Sentences and paragraphs
that are all the same length--all short or all long--lead to boring reading,
much like listening to the constant drone of an air conditioner. Here is an
example examining sentence lengths: CHANGE CHOPPY SERIES:
POOR: "I believe
Johnson is right. Freedom is important. I can vote. I can take any job. I
can speak freely. I am free." TO LONGER SERIES:
BETTER: "I believe
Johnson is right: freedom is important. I can vote, take any job, and speak
freely; therefore I am free." TO MIXED-LENGTH SERIES:
BETTER YET: "I
believe Johnson is right: freedom is important. I can vote, take any job,
and speak freely. Therefore, I am free." Sometimes sentences and paragraphs
all the same length even can lead to making your readers become sleepy. Thus
unless you are trying to give your readers a nap, vary both sentence and
paragraph lengths, mixing short and long as above. One particularly noticeable mark of
good writing both in the academic and the work worlds is, in most cases, to
avoid what is called the "passive voice." Here are examples of both
the active and passive verb voices:
ACTIVE: Dr. Jane Mowers believes
freedom is valuable. ACTIVE: Mowers says, however,
that freedom has a price. ACTIVE:you can believe she has
studied the issue. As you can see from the examples,
the passive voice does not give credit to who is saying, believing, or doing
something. The more direct, clear, and interesting way is to give credit to
whoever is involved in the thought, word, or deed. The exception to this
guideline is that some forms of writing require you to use passive
constructions--especially some forms of business writing. For an explanation of
this, see the "Proposals" chapter. However, most of the time,
especially in academic writing, readers prefer the active verb voice.
well-cooked and tasty. Thenyou went to a Tom Cruise movie.
well-cooked and tasty. Thenyou went to a Tom Cruise movie.
tasty. Thenyou went to a Tom Cruise movie.
ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE VERBS--From a fairly recent version of the Reaction to a
Reading chapter in Focus on Writing
PASSIVE: It is believed that freedom is valuable.
PASSIVE: It was said the freedom has a price.
PASSIVE: It is to be believed that she has studied it.
-----
Another mark of easy and enjoyable-to-read writing is that the contents flow in an orderly fashion. For example, if you are describing a room, you should sweep through the room from left to right or right to left in an orderly manner, step by step, rather than describe something here, something over there, and something here again, hopping around in a haphazard fashion. Likewise, when describing something that has a flow of time to it or any visual or graphic reference to it, establish an order of description that is easy for the readers to follow.
A third and particularly noticeable mark of making sentences in business writing is the use--or lack of--the passive verb voice. Here are examples of the active and passive verb voices:
ACTIVE: Jane Mowers called the meeting to order.
PASSIVE: The meeting was called to order.
ACTIVE: Jack Smith set the price; Tom Jinn sold
the units.
PASSIVE: The price was set and the units sold.
ACTIVE: Sharon Holms' division failed to make a
profit.
PASSIVE: A profit was not made by one division.
As you can see from the examples, the passive voice has that "business" sound we have come to identify in our culture with lengthy business writing that usually is boring. The active voice is much more interesting to read; therefore, it often is better.
How do you avoid slang?
AVOIDING SLANG:
SLANG/IDIOM: (look up difference between slang and idiom in dictionary! Another important element of revising is your use of language. Writing for
school and for work rarely are times when you can use slang. Slang is another
word for "idiom." Almost everyone grows up using some form of idiom or
idiomatic speech, and if we move to a different part of a city, region, state,
or country, we gradually pick up some of the idioms of that area. Idiom may vary
from such phrases as "Yo" and "Hey, Dude" to "like 'rassling
a hog" and "say, matey." English is one of the hardest languages
in the world to master for non-native speakers partly because of these idiomatic
forms of speech. They are not inferior to Standard English, just different. They
are like different the different Scandinavian languages: when native speakers of
Danish, Swedish, and Norwegian, for example, try to talk with each other,
usually they can understand each other. We certainly do not have to give up our idiomatic speech: very educated
people speak and write at home and with friends in one way and in standard
English at work or school. Standard English is the form of English common to all
speakers of English. It may not be the most beautiful or interesting at times,
but it is efficient, and everyone can understand us. The use of it in school and
work also shows people we are educated and are, therefore, to be taken
seriously.
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Transitions |
"Organizing |
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Typical
Transition Words & Phrases (for sentence
and paragraph beginnings) (
ORGANIZATION:
First, Second, Third, A first reason, a second reason, a third reason, One
major reason, In addition, One more, Another, Next, A related issue is, One
important idea is, Finally, In conclusion,
SIMILARITY:
Another, Furthermore, Related to this is, In comparing, In addition, As
stated above, This is similar to, Like this, This is like, Add to this the idea
that, Considering that, In the end, To summarize, According to, The preceding,
The following, As part of this, Also there is,
RESULT:
Because of this, As a result, Therefore, It follows that, Why is this so?,
What is the reason?, Add to this the idea that, Considering that, Before/after
this, In the first place, In the end
DIFFERENCE:
However, Yet, …but, In spite of this, Unlike this, Opposing this is, To
differentiate, In contrast, By comparison, This is different from, This is not
the, In disagreement with this, On the one hand…on the other, neither…nor,
Before/after this, Though it is, In the unlikely event that, Originally, At one
time, Hardly the same is,
-----
There are hundreds of transition words and phrases and even transition sentences. You don't need to use them or even worry about them in your early drafting of a paper or speech. However, they are of vital importance in the final draft, and they can help you better develop your own thinking in middle drafting.
Where do you add transitions? Sometimes they are placed within sentences to show a shift of thought, comparison, or contrast: for example, "Shakespeare's language was highly poetic; however, his characters could be very earthy." Sometimes they are placed at the beginning of a new sentence to show a shift from the previous sentence. For example, "The particle theory of physics suggests that light travels as particles. On the other hand, the wave theory of physics suggests that light travels in water-like waves." These two sentences also exemplify another form of transition: the use of repetition to show that two similar ideas are being compared or contrasted. In this case, the phrase "_____ theory of physics suggests that light travels" shows that two ideas are being contrasted."
There are two purposes to transitions, and both have to do with your thinking. As you write, you are placing your thoughts on paper. In a final draft, these thoughts are organized in sentences and paragraphs. Often, each paragraph is a long complete thought. In addition, within a paragraph, a long sentence or a group of several sentences together is a short complete thought. Each paragraph--and sometimes a sentence or a group of sentences--is its own island sitting on your page. Transitions are the tool that connects them. Transitions act as bridges that enable your audience to cross easily from island to island. They tell your audience how to leave the previous island and where to go to most easily step onto the next island. If it weren't for such bridges, your audience would have to wade or swim from island to island, not quite sure what the previous island meant nor where to find a foothold or good landing point on the next one. In addition, these bridges help you better formulate your own thinking to make sure that it is logical and consistent. If you cannot add a bridge between two paragraphs, your thinking may not be logical, or you may need to add an additional paragraph or two of explanation. For this reason, adding transitions not only does your audience a very important favor; it also helps you discover where the missing steps and, sometimes, the weaknesses are in your own thinking process.
Often transitions are placed at the beginning of a new paragraph (or the end of the previous one) to show which direction you are taking the reader as you move into the new paragraph. One of the best ways to add transitions is to always be sure that the first sentence of a new paragraph answers two questions:
Two Questions for Creating a Transition
| Who or what? Who or what is the subject of the new paragraph? Why or how? Why
or how is the person/event/object tied in with the previous paragraph? |
If you answer these two questions, you are not only providing a transition or bridge between two paragraphs (or between two topic sections). You also are providing a topic sentence for your paragraph. Observe how the answers to these two questions help form the first sentence of each of these two paragraphs and create a topic sentence for each:
Two Paragraphs with "Bridging" Topic Sentences
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In the 1900s, however, urban studies of city organization began
suggesting that people preferred living on streets with nooks and
crannies, dead ends, and varying sizes of blocks. This preference led to
the rise of many suburban developments--and some planned cities--with
planned streets that were circles, loops, curves, and other shapes that
gave people living on them a greater feeling of individuality and
difference. Such designs, while not always practical, were more
interesting and enjoyable. |
Actually, there are several kinds of transitions used in these two paragraphs. Each is highlighted in some way below. Some are repetitions of key words or phrases; others show a change, comparison, or contrast. To discover some of them, you will need to read--and then compare and contrast--both paragraphs. See if you can pick them out and identify what they are doing:
Same Two Paragraphs with Transitions Marked
| In the 1800s, early urban studies of how people organize cities suggested that people preferred orderly designs. For this reason, many planned cities or added subdivisions in the 1800s through the first part of the 1900s were organized on perfectly arranged grids of squares or rectangles with all streets facing north-south and east-west. Such designs were practical and efficient. In the 1900s, however, urban studies of city organization began suggesting that people preferred living on streets with nooks and crannies, dead ends, and varying sizes of blocks. This preference led to the rise of many suburban developments--and some planned cities--with planned streets that were circles, loops, curves, and other shapes that gave people living on them a greater feeling of individuality and difference. Such designs, while not always practical, were more interesting and enjoyable. |
Adding parallel phrases and words like this may take some time if you have written your early drafts differently. However, by adding such bridges, you not only are checking your own thinking to see if it is logical; you also are making your writing (and--if you are giving a speech--your talking) much clearer to your audience.
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Most recent update: 11-17-04
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Contents and Page Design © 2002-2004 by Richard Jewell. Nonprofit copying for education is allowed. Images courtesy of
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Art Warehouse, The Clip Art
Universe, Clipart Collection,
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Sub-headers to incorporate:
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Grammar Book © 1984-2004 by R. Jewell. |
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Online Links about X Writing |
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General Links |
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Grammar Handbook |
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ALSO SEE THE FOLLOWING:
(1) Samples of .
(2) Samples of essay tests at C.
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| NEW COLOR SCHEMES | |||
| 1. new
gold (for highest levels) Hex={FF,B9,35} |
2. new gold moved to nearby hexagon (secondary levels) Hex={FF,CC,00} | 3. light
match to new gold and new brown (tertiary levels) Hex={FF,C2,53} |
4. lighter match to new gold and new brown (quaternary) Hex={FF,CF,75} |
| new brown (for top brown bars) Hex={E8,97,00} | |||
| new gold moved directly left to
red-gold, and
lightened (OK) (5th level?) Hex={FF,88,66} |
lighter
version of "...red-gold" (Ann hasn't seen it, yet.) (5th level?) Hex={FF,A3,88} |
old brown
(OK) Hex={FF,8F,20} |
light version of old brown (OK) |
