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nate's journal: because i was told to never write anything i wouldn't put my name to.
this is for posterity... so be honest.
all bible references will be NIV unless otherwise noted.
poetry   |    my utmost for His highest
current journal   |    apr03   |    mar03   |    feb03   |    jan03   |    dec02   |    nov02   |    oct02
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05-17-03      word.

In six hours I will sit down and take the final final of my sophomore year of college, provided I can figure out where it is between now and 0800. That's too early. But hey, in eight hours, floating points and multiplexors and C optimizations will join that vastness of things I don't care about at all. So summer is afoot. My gingersnaps are almost gone.

I think I might miss these late nights staring across the Mississippi. I'll have to find me another river. Danube? Rubicon? Yangtze? Nile? Rhine? Zambezi? Sugar?

And when things start to happen,
Don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
   --Oh, The Places You'll Go by The Good Doctor

05-15-03      thursday morning, 3 a.m.

Yesterday, about five seconds after I wrote on my journal about hope unseen, I got a phone call from people who said I could change my major without losing support. I had been trying to decide what to do if the obstacle of a negative answer there came into the picture. How's that for a circumstance? I'm starting to see that if you know where you are going, the conditions of the road are pretty arbitrary. If I leave with a map and a destination, then a closed road does not defeat me. Sorry, that really turned into a pretty cheesy metaphor on me. It's late. But really, what holds those people together who act on faith is a vision that is independent of the things of this world. Consider God faithful, and do not try to comprehend the 'how', just know the 'that'. I know that this is true. I pray that I will do it.

05-14-03      why so downcast?

How much am I supposed to trust circumstances as I seek God's will in my life? While some circumstances present in a decision seem to indicate that I should choose one way or the other, I know they are not to be acted upon exclusively.

If people always acted on 'common sense', Noah's understanding of the climate would have easily defeated God's voice, and no ark would have been built. Abraham would have kept and protected Isaac, instead of offering him to God... a promise from God Himself indicated that Isaac was to live. David would have listened to the common sense of Saul and taken a shield and spear to battle against Goliath. Gideon would not have let any part of 'his' army go home. Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah would certainly have bowed. Ananias would have kept a safe distance between himself and Saul of Tarsus. Paul could have easily stayed out of prison. If common sense were always acted upon, Jesus would not have gone into Jerusalem.

What then, is being demonstrated here? Did these people have direction beyond what is given them by their surroundings?

 Romans 8:24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?

05-13-03      choose your own adventure...

Romans 8:24
Psalms 39:6-7
Psalms 31:24

05-12-03      strange...

Why nomads? Why did God's chosen people live in tents and spend so much time in exile? Why did Abram's life with God begin with "Leave your country, your people, and your father's household..."? Why are such prominent roles played by herdsmen and travelers and people who didn't 'belong'? "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters," God said to the people of Israel... when they were exiles in Babylon.

1 Co 7:29 What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

1 Pe 1:17 Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear.

Lev 25:23 "'The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you are but aliens and my tenants.

Jn 15:19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.

Heb 11:13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own.

05-11-03      undone

There for me the Savior stands
Shows his wounds and spreads his hands
Face to face before the Son
And like Isaiah I'm undone
--Charles Wesley & Randall Goodgame

05-07-03      it is well

It was a long day of homework yesterday, I must have put in at least 14 hours on 2021. The final will still be incredibly difficult for me. I want a life where my studies are directed and intentional and fruitful. Two or three more years...

Writing in my journal, this epistle to my future selves. Full of the grumbling realities that I know are less than Real, yet for now I leave myself in their ruthless domain. Seven more classes, three more finals. One phone call from Rockford, IL. Some paperwork. A minivan full of my earthly belongings. Less than 186 hours of studying. And who of me by worrying can add a single hour to my life?

In the sermon on the mount in Matthew 6, verses 24 and 25 are separated in my Bible by one of those section titles. Whoever did that to the Bible had a tendency to start new sections with "Therefore,..." And sometimes it hurts the continuity, I've especially noticed in Paul's letters. The titles in my Bible imply that between verses 24 and 25, Jesus stops talking about 'Treasures in Heaven' and starts talking about 'Do Not Worry'. However, if we can try to take this part of the sermon without the numbers and titles that were added later, it seems to flow rather nicely:

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Before the 'Therefore', there is a sort of dangling decision that Christ clears up immediately. I hear the first part and think, wow, I have to choose between God and money... I can't try to juggle both... hmm... this might be tough. But I think Jesus goes on to say that the decision should be crystal clear as soon as we fairly present it to ourselves. It is a decision we try to complicate, we think of it as Frost's hesitation in the yellow wood, and the considerable offerings of each road. The decision is not between two equals, but between death and life, loss and eternal glory. Choose Life! (Deut 30)

05-05-03      ...it only looks like a long entry, most of it's plagiarized

School is almost over. Glad am I. It seems that at any given point in my life, I can look back and laugh at the person I was a year ago. I thus look forward to a year from now, because I want to know which parts of my life will soon be absurd. I find solace in anticipation of the proverbial sands of time. Maybe someday I won't care about my grade in CSCI2021 Mach. Arch. Maybe someday I'll think I was crazy for trying to go backpacking. Maybe someday I'll reminisce fondly of my trip to England, and the six amazing years it took me to wander back to the states. [Dare me?] Maybe someday I'll be married and wonder how I could ever have lived without someone. Maybe someday I will give everything I have. Someday I will know fully, even as I am fully known.

I feel better already.

Jesus chased away the hired mourners from the home of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. Jairus, who knew that He could bring her back. Jairus, who refused to mourn the girl until Jesus had seen her. Jairus, who ignored the crowd that tried to decide which concerns deserved the attention of the Teacher. Jairus, who got his daughter back.

Mk 5:35 While Jesus was still speaking, some men came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," they said. "Why bother the teacher any more?" 36 Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe."

Mk 9:17 A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18 Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not." 19 "O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me." 20 So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. 21 Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?" "From childhood," he answered. 22 "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." 23 "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." 24 Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Ro 11:33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! 34 "Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?" 35 "Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?" 36 For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.

Pr 30:4 Who has gone up to heaven and come down? Who has gathered up the wind in the hollow of his hands? Who has wrapped up the waters in his cloak? Who has established all the ends of the earth? What is his name, and the name of his son? Tell me if you know!

Isa 40:12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? 13 Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor? 14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? 15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales; he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.

05-02-03      walk in it

Jer 6:16 This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, 'We will not walk in it.'



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