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nate's journal: because i was told to never write anything i wouldn't put my name to.
this is for posterity... so be honest.
all bible references will be NIV unless otherwise noted.
poetry   |    the great debate
current journal   |    december 02   |    november 02   |    october 02
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12-29-02      i do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! -mk 9:24

As I marveled today at some of the major blessings in my life that are direct results of reluctant responses to the Spirit's urges, I started wondering what would have been had I responded to other such promptings instead of ignoring them. I guess that's just not part of my story.

12-26-02      still be my vision, o ruler of all.

Of the thoughts swimming in my head, I can't decide which to write, which I want to cherish forever, which I want to forget now, which I can't live without, which I want everyone to know, which I want to forever desperately clutch to the closest part of me, and which I am willing to let pass, as far as the east is from the west, away from me.

12-25-02      good news of great joy

Read The Grinch

And so I find myself seeing the people I didn't know I missed and missing the people I didn't know I saw.

But you know I know better I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
'Cause if the birds and the flowers survive then I'll make it okay
        -Caedmon's Call, Table for Two

 Lk 2:19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

12-21-02      learning to fly

I think it's starting to make sense. I don't see myself as a Christian because I try to live well and obey commandments. Rather, once I am living for and in Him, I have a longing, an actual desire, to obey. Not a religious discipline, but a consuming desire for righteous living that is hard to understand because it's not native, or at least is very easily ignored without Christ. It's not the nagging conscience that has always been there explaining right and wrong, telling me what I should, for some unknown reason, do. It's like temptation to do good. It's an additional element, I'm not all flesh anymore! There is something else urging my actions. Any explanation of this to someone without Christ feels so feeble and incomplete, like using a black and white picture of a rainbow to explain 'beauty' to a stranger of reality...

Regarding the verses below, I think they address some important questions. How should Christians live and are we still under the law? We are not under The Law, we are under Grace. What follows is that we want to live for God's glory, and in full bloom, we run parallel to but independent of the law, as God intends. As some blurry speaker in my past said vividly, "If the only thing that is keeping us from sinning is lack of opportunity or fear of the consequences, then it is just as if we had sinned." God wants intent, and I am starting to feel it. If we don't acknowledge the Grace, then we put ourselves, or rather leave ourselves, under the law, and the human race doesn't have much of a track record there.

1 Sa 15:22 But Samuel replied: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.

Gal 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Gal 5:2 Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all. Gal 5:3 Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. Gal 5:4 You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.

12-19-02      aye, i eye.

Eye contact is probably the thing I cherish and fear the most from other people. What is it that makes me feel so laid bare, completely unmasked, and thrilled to the core whenever I make eye contact? It seems to produce a horrifying, tantilizing conciousness that this person knows more about me than I have chosen to present, and I have glimpsed their depths as well. Is the eye such a picture of the soul that you can read and be read? It doesn't seem my eyes are capable of hiding my true thoughts. Oh, to see fear and trembling in eyes surrounded by composure and confidence. Exposed.

12-16-02      befuddlement personified

You know You are cordially invited to share in one young man's fitful delirium. It's 2:34 and I am a very tired person right now. Out. ps... It Is Well.

12-14-02      a good read

The Gift of the Magi

12-13-02      be still

I saw meteors tonight. We had to work to find a suitable vantage point. The dreary fake lights of the city all but drowned out the bright little stars, but we were finally able to see, as if peeking through a forgotten crack in the wall. I wonder how many people saw those same meteors. I wonder how many meteors I could have seen and haven't because of my earth-bound gaze. Also, what makes a meteor special to see? They are undeniably special, but so delicately unremarkable. Moving points of light are worth laying on a frosty softball bench a 2:00am to see? I can look at traffic and see even more moving lights; instead I spend time and effort getting away from the glare of the traffic to spot the rarity and minute brilliance of a second-long event. I'm not saying it's not worth it. I happily went and would go again.

Jas 2:18 But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. Jas 2:19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder. Jas 2:20 You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Jas 2:21 Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? Jas 2:22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did.

Ps 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

12-12-02      hopelessly human

Vulnerability... hmm... I consider myself very vulnerable, though it seems much of my time is spent building against that. What does it mean to be vulnerable, and is it good or bad? I think being vulnerable means to open up, to expose. Depending on the setting, it can help or hurt. For example, a knight in days of yore would be much more comfortable without armor at a feast, but in a battle he probably would want it. The armor is rigid and impenetrable by design, and it is also by design that it is easily doffed and donned with the circumstances. Vulnerability is a time in which we can be affected by our surroundings.

Vulnerability is to risk being called wrong by someone you trust. How vulnerable are we supposed to be? Paul tells the Ephesians to wear quite a bit of spiritual armor. Our faith and desire for understanding God is supposed to be solid. We are not supposed to represent God as vulnerable, because He is not. We, in God, are not supposed to be vulnerable at all. We, in ourselves, are supposed to be completely vulnerable to God. He must become greater; I must become less. We are supposed to be so vulnerable, in fact, that we die to ourselves. We are crucified with Christ!

I conclude that I, as a Christian, cannot ultimately lose anything by being vulnerable, though I will indeed lose everything that I keep from God. Opening to others forces me to be more open with myself, and I am forced to "take captive every thought" and see if those quaking uncertainties hidden within are really worth hanging on to (so far, no). My 'identity' that I value so much will only be complete in and through Christ. And so I continue to struggle with that. It seems pretty simple in paragraph form, but only God knows what He could do through me if I ever REALLY figured it out.

Eph 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Eph 6:11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. Eph 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Eph 6:13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Eph 6:14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, Eph 6:15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Eph 6:16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Eph 6:17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Jn 3:30 He must become greater; I must become less.

Gal 2:19 For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. Gal 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Eph 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, Eph 3:21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine

12-10-02      uncomfortably numb

I need to go somewhere far away. I need to eat something that was cooked by a real person just for me. I need to be in a place that acknowledges the presence of the things I value greatly. I need a task that makes my passions and interests more than just wasted time. I need mud and torrential rain and wind and sweat and flecks of tree bark in my eye when I look up and festering splinters in my fingers and bruises on my shins and sun in my eyes and ice on my eyelashes. I need to be gloriously and hopelessly lost in endless forest. I need a campfire I built and smoke in my eyes and the occaisional spark on my leg. I need blackberry seeds and coffee grounds stuck in my teeth. I need fishscales on my shirt and burs in my shoelaces. I need "Tuesday" and "Wednesday" to be without meaning. I need something I paid for. I need miles of interstate with a deafening truck engine and mushy brakes and a greasy AM radio. I need cold peaches to eat and sticky corn silk to clean up and a dripping box of rotting tomatoes to sort. I need searing reality to drown out this dull choking anguish of lies.

2 Co 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 2 Co 4:8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 2 Co 4:9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

12-07-02      philosophy schmilosophy

I had the opportunity to hear a celebrated mind spout philosophy for an hour and a half of my evening. It was grand. I thought we were getting somewhere, then it became apparent that the room was filled with people who were armed with proofs of conflicting philosophies. Some of them thought all of them were right, while others thought that only they were right, while still others thought that nobody could be right. And they all had proof! I left with the impression that some of them were wrong. So yet another day goes by with man's wisdom failing miserably to establish anything at all. How disappointing.

Job 38:2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Job 38:3 Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Job 38:4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.

12-06-02      but is it art?

What is art? I think it's a communication thing... a method, a medium, a message. I think art inevitably presents the viewer/reader/listener with an image of the innermost concerns of the artist. Thought (in varying degrees of consciousness) is poured into art. A particular piece tells much about the artist. It might tell us that the artist finds great beauty in fruit sitting in a bowl on a table. It might tell us that that the artist has very strong feelings about war or pain or love or hate. It might tell us that the artist was very depressed and showed it by using predominantly blacks and browns. It might tell us that the artist had an older sister that wouldn't let him use the bright colors. It might tell us that someone wanted to gain wealth and realized that art patrons were mere "sheep to be fleeced." If we don't know the artist, we must draw these meanings from the art itself.

What am I supposed to think of Picasso's message? That he cared enough about the beauty of the human form to paint it, but not enough to draw it accurately? That he thought his blurry, warped perception was better than reality? I think all art has a message, and it is not necessarily the stated one. Artists can be celebrated by critics, who pass down the 'appreciation' to people who are unwilling to think for themselves. Unfortunately, this second-hand awareness of hidden beauty and profundity comes cheaply in the art world. That all art has meaning is a certainty. That all of it is worth reading is quite questionable. To appreciate art for some cryptic feeling of 'deepness' in the ambiguous symbolism seems quite worthless to me. A symbol is of no use to one who does not see its meaning. Reading poetry beyond our comprehension level does nothing for us. If we celebrate a poet for his deepness without ever understanding his poetry, we gain nothing from him. To ponder a song that we have no expectation or ambition to ever understand is to own a book that we intend to never read.

I am not calling any artist a fraud here, although, considering the patrons, it would hypothetically be very easy to bluff profundity. I am not calling anyone shallow. However, if an artist hides behind artistic ambiguity and excessive symbolism until his "great social commentary" is reduced to a charming enigma, he has failed to achieve or even advance toward his political goals. If I discover a cure for cancer, it is utterly worthless until I tell someone. A powerful statement undelivered is nothing. I think that art has the potential to be quite powerful, but that it is not inherently powerful for being called art. I know that artists cannot always be held responsible for over-analyses of their works. I also know that what one person does not understand can be thrilling poetry for another. My point is that many people will "appreciate" art because it has been called "art" by important people, and not because they understand it for themselves beyond its shapes and colors. They strut about proudly proclaiming themselves fans of a message they did not receive.

If a few words would do the job, I would never have a reason to take pictures. I would simply post a webpage that said, "God is incredible, and He allows me to see beauty in so many things around me." (I imagine that if an 'artist' put this on the internet, it would be contemplated for its brevity and lackluster, and that the right byline would make it a masterpiece. People would discuss what was meant by "God" and note how poetic it would be if "He" was referring to an unknown entity.) But this would not show how much (if at all) I believe it. By taking pictures, I am saying that sharing beauty with my little corner of the world is worth THIS MUCH time and trouble to me. If I could make a blank webpage while I was thinking about everything I believe in, the right person might think it very profound, but it would bring him no closer to understanding what I believe and why, and certainly no closer to understanding and believing it himself. I try to artistically articulate in the hopes that someone else will take the trouble to glance at something that struck my eye, in the hopes that they will be led to the same thoughts as I was about a scene, because I believe those thoughts are beautiful and worthwhile.

To turn these rather vicious ponderings upon myself, why am I writing this? My motive for writing it is partly for myself. Typing something out is a great help in organizing thoughts. My motive for sharing it is that I hope someone will read this and examine their own methods of discernment and appreciation of objets d'art. I hope I was sufficiently transparent in these goals.

God's art is creation. He eloquently expresses His love for us in the universe, the world's largest metaphor (think about that one). We didn't see the depth of His love when he said it, so He sent Christ to show us in terms that let us grasp not only the existence of that Love, but the magnitude of that Love.

12-03-02      lift up mine eyes

I think I'm going to start including more sky in my pictures. It's really a pretty daunting thing to try to capture. So many colors so close to one another confound the eye and are always washed out in a picture. For all of the brick and tar and concrete that I look at every day, I am somewhat ashamed to think how little attention I afford the beauty of the sky. I enjoy landscapes that show a little bit of land at the bottom of the picture, and the vast "wild blue" above. And cityscapes. I can imagine Him saying, "Sure, that's quite a building you have there... but look at this!" I guess as long as we wander around like a bunch of prisoners with our defeated eyes to the ground, our own work can look pretty big, these fortresses, palaces, and prisons we build ourselves. It's not until we look up that we see the walls fall away and the sky rush in.



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