PETEY PANTALOONS and the IMPROBABLE PURLOIN

Petey Pantaloons awoke from his restful slumber refreshed anew in the dew of a new moon.  
After blinking slowly at the darkness until his eyes could adjust to his dim surroundings, 
he jumped out of bed with a start and landed neatly in his floppy moth-wool aquamarine 
slippers.  It goes without saying that Petey's moth-wool slippers are his second-most 
prized possession in the whole world.  He obtained them from an old toad with a top 
hat on his largest wart and a tiny tadpole step-grandson in tow.  In trade for the cozy 
shoe Petey was forced to give up his thrid-most prized possesion in the whole world: a 
watercolor portrait of his television hero Captain Flagellum, Bacterium Space Crusader.  
Upon completion of the transaction, the tadpole tittered with unfettered glee as he had 
finally completed his collection of Microbial Marauders vs. Lymphocite Legion trading 
cards.

If the scale of the items in this story thus far perplexes you, let me assauge your 
concerns.  Petey Pantaloons is 1.23 inches tall, .24 inches wide, and .06 inches deep.  
To him, the old toad was as big as a Kodiak Bear and his grandson the size of a 
St. Bernard.  Another parallel between the pup breed and the tadpole grandson would be 
the barrell of brandy present about the burgeoning frog's neck.  Petey Pantaloons dare 
not drink a drop, however, as one drop would constitute the entire container and poison 
him beyond comprehension.  

After a brief shuffling about in his moth-wool slippers, Petey trotted over to his 
heirloom wood armoir with antique leaf doors.  Casting open the foliage, Petey beheld his 
first-point-fifth-most prized posession in the entire world: his wardrobe consisting 
exclusively of pantaloons.  Red 'loons, green 'loons, tan 'loons, and polka-dot 'loons; 
large 'loons, small 'loons, medium 'loons, and tall 'loons.  He had some 'loons with 
pockets abundant and a few with not one to be found.  On the left side of his closet 
he kept the winter 'loons that he wore exclusively in the vernal months and on the 
right side he stowed his spring 'loons for winter use only.  He indeed had an impressive 
collection of pantaloons, as is to be expected of a man 318 years of age.  One particular 
pair of pantaloons, however, was Petey's first-most prized possession in not only the 
entire world, but in the entirety of the Universe all-encompassing.  

One day Petey was riding his pair of dragonflies wantonly through the meadow located 
kitty corner to his home.  He laughed heartily as the wind blew through his platinum 
hair and the chill air hardened his pectoral peaks.  He dove 'tween the tweeties and 
soared over the copulating crows.  He additionally swooped about the dandelions with a 
fervor both unusual and frightening, but easily explained away with the events of earlier 
in the day.  You see, Petey had been cultivating a crop of nepenthe in his basement for 
the past 6.8 months.  Unfortunately for our protagonist he had read the instructions 
upside down--the actual reccomended maturation period was 8.9 months.  Upon consuming a 
dose, Petey became both incosoleably sorrowful and ecstatically elated simultaneously.  
To him, the only possible way to outlet this newfound explosion of emotion was to careen 
through the nearest valley meadow on his pet dragonflies and swoop a little too close 
to a squirrel minding his own nuts.