More for you and me

We learned about DNA technology in my stupid biology class this evening and the topic of genetic engineering came up.

"Genetic engineering has many benefits for us," stated my professor, who then proceeded to juxtapose a healthy, genetically engineered tobacco plant with a tobacco plant sick from TMV.

She did not realize the irony of this.

Wasting string

I've usually shied away from confrontation since I can remember. Therefore, the one and only time I got in trouble in school is a memorable one for me.

It was the 2nd grade, and we the school-children were doing some sort of craft. It included the use of string, and my allotted portion got horribly and irretrieveably tangled. Therefore, I threw it in the trash and got a new length.

"WHO THREW AWAY THIS PERFECTLY GOOD STRING?" asked the teacher in a surprising fury.

I was petrified and unable to accept responsibility.

"IF THE PERSON WHO THREW AWAY THIS STRING DOESN'T COME FORWARD, THE WHOLE CLASS WILL BE PUNISHED!"

I sheepishly raised my hand and was sent to the corner to think about what I did.

"Now Erik, why are you standing in the corner?" pressed the Spanish Inquisition after about five minutes.

"Because I accidentally threw away prefectly good string."

"Good, you can sit down now."

Bitch.

A risk we must take

Being a young male going to a concert where the attendees are dominated by attractive young girls is not without its pitfalls.

For example, when one of them farts, the eye of blame will invariably be drawn upon you.

Let me think about it

Well, I suppose I'll accept the offer to work for your nearly unheard of organization over the summer.

USPS CFD

I want these really, really bad and you'd be suprised what I'd do to get a panel of them.

The Adventures of Peter the Penny Pincher, Part I

Welcome to Le Bon Poisson Bleu, sir and madam. Do you have a reservation this evening?

Erm, no. How long will it be until you have a table for two open?

I'm sorry sir, but we currently have an estimated wait time of forty minutes.

[lowers voice] Well that's too bad because I'm on a date with this lovely lady. Perhaps you, me, and Presidents Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln, and Lincoln can work something out?

[beat]

Just between you and me, sir, you'll have to do a little better than four cents.

Pants?

Man, okay, I know your 21st birthday only happens once...but damn!

And now, a joke:

Q: How do you know you're talking to an extroverted engineer?

(see answer in comments)

Cumpleanos

Birthday coincidences while on Spring Break:

• Unit number of timeshare in the Ozarks was unit 18.


• Went to a bar in Arkansas with my friends and sweet talked the bartender into letting me stay. Saw a picture on the wall of the bar owner on the bar’s anniversary. The date: March 18th, 2000.


• Got my hairs cut yesterday. Barber’s birthday was March 18th.

Branson 2006

As I sit here with a henna stain on my leg that reads "B'06," I must relay to you exactly how awesome Branson/Kimberling City, MO/Fayetteville, AK was. Fark those non-Branson naysayers who said it would suck! Good company, good scenery, and

things that must never be spoken of again.

Some keywords from Branson 2006:

• Bocce ball
• Archery
• Bocce balls in shirts
• Arbor Mist
• Predator World
• Timeshare
• Jacuzzi
• Tornado touchdown
• Animal skins parking lot
• Confederate flags
• Black mamba
• Helen Keller
• Shuffleboard
• Dams
• The Bearded Clam
• Debris-strewn mini golf
• Green mamba
• Shoji Tabuchi
• Waffle House
• Pornographic chocolate

Also, tomorrow's my 21st birthday so don't forget to toast your old compadre Spaceman Axdahl at midnight tonight!

Preparing for launch

Does anybody else find humor in the fact that Angeline Jolie will be playing the part of Grendel's Mother in the upcoming movie Beowulf?

I'll be nestled in the Ozarks for the next week. See you when I come back!

Edit: Because I love you all and know you'll miss me while I'm gone, I'll leave you with a little present to remember me by. So from my server to your hard drive: the Windows 95 classic, Ski.

Look out for that Yeti!

Intellectual snobbery

Jean-Pierre took a long, thoughtful drag on his cigarette and let in a short hiss of breath before holding the smoke in his lungs and subsequently releasing it in a slow stream. He did this out of habit not because it allowed the nicotine its full effect, but rather because it was the most dramatic way to smoke.

He didn't even like nor was he addicted to cigarettes.

And his name wasn't Jean-Pierre. It was John. But he hated America and wanted to be French. Or at least French-Canadian. He thought this sullenly as he picked at the meaningless, poorly affixed patches on his sweatshirt.

John wasn't sullen because of the government that kept him down, but rather because of the fact he hadn't engaged in pessimistic discourse with his friends Hair's-Long-On-One-Side and Perma-Scowl for an entire two days. He was just about ready to grab and shout at the nearest Ambercrombie-clad passerby to relieve the pressure that his Philosophy 1009 class has built up inside him.

Bourgoise! Establishment! Proletariat! How can he find context with which to utter these words so hot babes will be drawn to him and his gigantic brain?

He figures that if he was in Canada right now, he'd totally be getting laid right now.

Antique ad

From an advertisement found in the Boston Symphony Orchestra Programmes (1904 - 1905):

New Fourth Floor

Those who have taken time to inspect the new room pronounce it the most perfectly equipped room for the effective display of dainty White Wear and Infants' Wear and Corsets and Petticoats and Dressing-sacks and Kimonos and Bath Wraps and Tea Gowns that they have ever seen. And they are further pleased to say that our new arrivals of goods are in keeping with the new room.

R. H. Stearns & Company

If it hit you, it could kill you

Yesterday was a relatively warm day with no snow on the ground and about a 12mph wind, so I got to enjoy one of my favorite hobbies for the first time of the season. In contrast, today I woke up to a blizzard and the ground blanketed in snow.

circa 2002

Polar bears

This evening I enjoyed a 500mL glass bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola with my pizza pie and it tasted...just like domestic Coca-Cola.

Evidently Mexi-Coke uses sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup, but I couldn't tell the difference.

But it comes in a cool bottle. Refresco.

I'm not going to get dysentery, am I?

Take-out

"It's a good thing I have this take-out box for my celery and fork"