Gertudus Mann was a man(n) of the land. He killed what he ate and he drank his water straight from the crick. A straw hat adorned his head and a corncob pipe protruded from one side of his mouth and a straw from the other. The western American cliche was he, and he was durn proud of it (yes siree).

Gertrudus Mann (G-Mann) was tilling a rocky field when he reached into his pocket to refill his pipe. But Lo! He was straight outta tobackey.

"No tobackey?!"

That's right, no tobackey. So he had to go into turn (town) to get some more, of course. What's a man(n) of the land to do without tobackey, after all?

Upon passing the threshold of the one-horse town, G-Mann knew something was wrong with the amosfear (atmosphere) of the locals. Nobody was moving an inch, and a tumbleweed was frozen in time midair over Washington Boulevard.

*Crash!*

"Haha ha! chortle! It is I, Xenu! I have frozen this town in time, and soon eough the world! Bow before me, G-Mann, and you will know the true meaning of mercy!"

"Will there be tobackey?"

"No"

And with that, G-Mann pulled out his Warcrasher 3000 Energy Megahertz Pulse Laser weapon and blew Xenu back to the watery depths (in the water table below the town). The locals were immediately refreshed from their frozen state ("Yay...") and the tumbleweed resumed its course along the town's main thoroughfare ("Huzzah...").

Alas, nobody knew the true heroism of G-Mann that day as they went along with their lives as if nothing ever happened.

But at least he had his tobackey.

The End(?)