The Privateer President

If I were the President of the United States (and also a Pirate Captain)…

…I would advocate a “Creationism- and Abstinence-only” curriculum in our public schools, where “Abstinence-only” = “Basic Lechery” and “Creationism” = “Stabbing Britons 101.”

…Paper money would be outlawed in favor of coin- and doubloon-only currency.  Also, I would get rid of pennies because they take up too much space.  Furthermore, all prices must be divisible by 5 so my no-pennies policy is not encroached upon.  

…I would re-invigorate the space program.  All astronauts will be required to wear tricorn hats either on their heads or on top of their helmets.  

…Every family in New Orleans would be issued standard pirate regalia and a schooner in order to facilitate more efficient looting.  

…Wallets and purses would be outlawed.  All doubloons must be towed in (3x1x2)’ Victorian chests.  

…I would ensure a 1:5 dancing organ grinder monkey to person ratio.  

…The welfare system would be reformed.  Food stamps will be eliminated and rations of bread, salted meat, rum, and lemons will be dispensed in their stead.  

…IRS audits would be done away with.  Instead, suspected tax evaders would have their houses pillaged in what I would gleefully and cacklingly call a “maraudit.”