On Being a Gnome

So you want to be a gnome for Halloween, eh? I applaud you for your originality and bravery. Being a gnome for Halloween is a rare occurrence—most people just cop out to Elf-hood. I warn you, however, that being a successful gnome is no small task.  Well actually it is a small task, because gnomes are only one inch tall—but you know what I mean.  One wrong move and you'll be mistaken as Santa Claus, which is the equivalent of total Halloween failure.  I, like you, have chosen to be a gnome for All Hollow’s Eve, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject. 
 
First—your pants.  Gnomes wear canvas pants, but a crappy pair of corduroy trousers will do as well.  Make sure they're earth-tone pants, and never choose a pair with cargo pockets.  Gnomes shun the fashion statement represented by cargoes, so it’s best just to go with the regulars.  Also, be sure there are no overt pleats on your pants.  This is an infraction punishable by death in the gnome kingdom.  Overalls are permissible if you want to be that gnome (hint: nobody likes that gnome).  For shoes, wear some hiking boots or, better yet, mukluks.  

Next, let us examine appropriate torso-coverings.  Gnomes wear comfortable, loose shirts that are usually hued to green, blue, or yellow (hint: only wear a yellow shirt if you want people’s corneas to be burned out when they look at you).  Also, make sure your shirt runs on the long side, as gnomes never tuck in their shirts.  It will be necessary to obtain a belt to fasten around the perimeter of your waist on the outside of the shirt.  While this will be unhelpful in keeping your pants in the “up” state, this fashion accessory has two purposes.  First, it will prevent hernias in the case you desire to lift heavy objects (as most gnomes do).  Also, it will accentuate your fat belly, fatso.  

It is very important that you not wear a vest.  This will increase the chances of you being mistaken for Santa Claus.  

Finally, how to adorn your head-bone?  You will need a beard, of course.  Unless you wish to be a juvenile gnome, in which case why don’t you just be an elf? Also, leave my site right now.  Your beard should be carefully selected to the proper parameters of length and color.  Gnomes may only have white, shoulder-length beards.  Any longer, and you could possibly be mistaken for a gnome-wizard hybrid.  Too dark, and you’ll just look stupid.  Don’t forget the corncob pipe!  

The issue of the hat deserves its own paragraph.  Remember, you are not a gnome without a red pointy hat!  The pointy hats are what protect gnomes from acorns and twigs falling from above.  While the hat should probably be erect, a floppy hat will give the same effect (such will be the case when you cannibalize a gnome hat from a Santa hat).  

Congratulations—you’re officially a giant gnome!  Remember, everyone loves gnomes, therefore be prepared for a lot of loving.  So get out there, and put the pirates and doctors to shame!

Learn the lyrics to David the Gnome.