Ma'am

I love to hold doors open for women.

I enjoy doing it even if it ends up being one of those drawn out door-opening dramas. For example, many a'time I have held open an edifice's portal for a member of the opposite sex only to find that there's another person or two close behind. Not too close behind, but close enough so that if I don't hold the door open for them as well I look like an ass, which mitigates the whole intent of holding the door open in the first place. Invariably, once those stragglers walk through, taking advantage of my kindly door-holding-open nature, there will be yet another group of people nearing. It could be a group of predominately men, but there will usually be a woman or two at the front, so I need to hold the door open for those women too. This leads to an akward half-eye-aversion, half-mumbled-acknowledgement while I am forced to hold the door open for the men as the group makes its entry. This was not my original intent.

Every once in awhile I'll accidentally hold the door open for a feminist. This usually results in a swift shiv to the male sex organ, which always hurts, but I'll usually take it in stride. I'll only whisper a pained "darn it, lady" under my breath as they walk through my opened door. And then I'll bleed all over the floor as I make my way to Barnes & Noble's restroom.

Perhaps my favorite group to deliver a door-opening to would be the 30 to 40-year-olds. I feel that ladies of this age really appreciate a young, strapping buck such as myself ensuring that they don't have to sully their hands by touching a public surface. They are also always visibly flattered, as compared to the indifferent bubble-gum-popping of many younger girls to whom I bestow this service. Nay, these the fairer of the fairer sex always smile at me and deliver kind words. Then they immediately betroth their daughters to me, to which I tip my top-hat and stroke my handle-bar moustachio happily.

Now I know what you're thinking, but please remember that it's the 2000's. It is no longer taboo for women, in addition to men, to betroth their daughters. To me.