Don't Touch That
Let me tell you about our house.
Nestled on an island of gravelly lawn in the middle of a sea of concrete and cars you will find a red brick house. It is surrounded by what I assume to be wild rhubarb and a genuinely enraged tree that must be wondering what it did to deserve such a location. As you approach the door, don't forget to wipe your feet on the welcome mat! As this mat is in the middle of the yard, you will have to wipe your feet again once you get to the porch.
As this house was deemed a fraternity by its more permanent, non-subletting residents, you will find the letters βαλλΣ in blue painter's tape above the door. I will let you use your greek prowess to figure out the meaning of this for yourself.
At this point, you can enter the house one of two ways. You can open the door via conventional means or you can duck through the missing panel of mesh on the screen door. Either method is socially acceptable at this place of residence. Depending on your mental state at the time, one will variably seem to be a superior option to the other. Take your pick and go in.
Welcome to the residence of Jake, John, Erik, and Chris. Please enjoy your stay and be sure to have proof of immunization to all variants of Hepatitis and Tetanus. Also, please wipe your feet on the first and second welcome mats that are located inside the house. Thank you for your cooperation. You've now passed what can be best compared to an airlock into the house.
While at this point you can remove your shoes, it is suggested that you keep them on for your own health and safety. Please note sanitation stations positioned every 20 feet in the case of emergency. Each one dispenses a sanitary gel via the plunger. To activate the eye wash, use the foot pedal at the base. Pull the chain to begin a full-body rinse. If you need to use any of these countermeasures, report immediately to our on-site doctor as an extra precaution.
Sterile tissue and gloves are provided for your convenience. Should you come in contact with any surface, please follow standard emergency procedure. Upon exit, please place all articles of clothing in the labelled incinerator chute and proceed to the decontamination tent. A two-hour quarentine is necessary to watch for symptoms of fast-acting viruses. Afterwards, you will be free to return to society.
Please come back soon!
Nestled on an island of gravelly lawn in the middle of a sea of concrete and cars you will find a red brick house. It is surrounded by what I assume to be wild rhubarb and a genuinely enraged tree that must be wondering what it did to deserve such a location. As you approach the door, don't forget to wipe your feet on the welcome mat! As this mat is in the middle of the yard, you will have to wipe your feet again once you get to the porch.
As this house was deemed a fraternity by its more permanent, non-subletting residents, you will find the letters βαλλΣ in blue painter's tape above the door. I will let you use your greek prowess to figure out the meaning of this for yourself.
At this point, you can enter the house one of two ways. You can open the door via conventional means or you can duck through the missing panel of mesh on the screen door. Either method is socially acceptable at this place of residence. Depending on your mental state at the time, one will variably seem to be a superior option to the other. Take your pick and go in.
Welcome to the residence of Jake, John, Erik, and Chris. Please enjoy your stay and be sure to have proof of immunization to all variants of Hepatitis and Tetanus. Also, please wipe your feet on the first and second welcome mats that are located inside the house. Thank you for your cooperation. You've now passed what can be best compared to an airlock into the house.
While at this point you can remove your shoes, it is suggested that you keep them on for your own health and safety. Please note sanitation stations positioned every 20 feet in the case of emergency. Each one dispenses a sanitary gel via the plunger. To activate the eye wash, use the foot pedal at the base. Pull the chain to begin a full-body rinse. If you need to use any of these countermeasures, report immediately to our on-site doctor as an extra precaution.
Sterile tissue and gloves are provided for your convenience. Should you come in contact with any surface, please follow standard emergency procedure. Upon exit, please place all articles of clothing in the labelled incinerator chute and proceed to the decontamination tent. A two-hour quarentine is necessary to watch for symptoms of fast-acting viruses. Afterwards, you will be free to return to society.
Please come back soon!
"ma'am"
1 Comments:
Jinkies....
you do put baby powder in the rubber gloves so they're easy to get on and off, right?
Because otherwise getting one glove off is easy but then you touch the dirty glove with your clean hand trying to get the other glove off... and Lord knows what could happen then... hives, pustules, oozing open sores...
Post a Comment
<< Home