To Whom It May Concern

Dear Middle School Girls in the Front Row,

Thank you for patronizing the 8 o'clock showing of War of the Worlds! We are sure you will enjoy tonight's show, as it was directed by Steven Spielberg and stars Tom Cruise. As you have no parent or guardian present (this being an PG-13 movie), we suggest you take this time to enjoy the movie to its fullest. May we hubly suggest the following activities:

1. During the quiet and tense scenes, be sure to to make just enough noise so everyone can hear you mumbling and tittering.
2. Whenever dead bodies are portrayed in a dramatic and sober manner, do not in any way try to stifle your laughter.
3. Be sure to kneel in front of your friends to take pictures of them with the flash on so that you may blind the theatre audience seated in all rearward rows.

Remember, you are the center of the universe! Be sure to tell boys later in life how much more mature you are than them.

Sincerely,

The Audience

(ed.- War of the Worlds was a great movie. I highly suggest it.)