Tales From the Homeroom, Part I
Yesterday on my way to work I saw a car driving the wrong way down a one-way street...backwards. I was confused at first, but then I embarrassedly realized it was opposite day and proceeded to follow suit. Also, I'm in jail right now.
Today I present Part One in a multi-part series where I dredge up old high school school essays and present them to you raw and unedited. Today's "origin" story is entitled The Highland, The Ditch, and The War Zone, written for Honors English 10. Enjoy.
Erik Axdahl
Period Ten
Honors English
Once Upon a Time, during the Ham Dynasty, there was a small girl named Bowler that lived in the Highland province of Konichiwa. Konichiwa was a war-torn country at the time, and many people were getting killed, hurt, and their precious wells of water were being drained of their watery goodness. What will they drink?
Bowler was sad and angry, so she went to her special place. This special place was a giant red lake known as The Lake of Kheul Ade. Bowler began to cry into the lake, and the ground began to shake. Suddenly, from the middle of the lake, a giant pitcher with a smiling face on it emerged and he spoke to the girl.
“I am the mighty guardian of Kheul Ade!” boomed the voice of the mighty elemental, “I was awakened from my slumber by your sobbing. Girl, why you cryin’?”
“Oh mighty spirit, I don’t know how to go on! My small village has been destroyed by a civil war; we’ve lost everything! We don’t even have a refreshing beverage to drink on a hot day. Please help us!”
The sassy spirit pondered her panoramic presentation of the problems in Bowler’s bad, bogus life, and said, “Hmm, you are in quite a quaint, quagmire of a quandary, aren’t you? This is what I’m gonna do for you: I will pay your village a lil’ visit, and pour my Kheul Ade splendor into their cups and mugs. They will drink of the Kheul Ade, and will be energized with life and vitality with its sugary and artificial flavors. You will show the rest of the world the Kheul Ade, and have them partake in the splendor that is Kheul Ade. Behold! The drink of the Gods! The One—The ONLY… Kheul Ade!”
A small party cup appeared in her hand with a red fluid in it, and she took a sip. It was so delicious that she began to weep with joy. She showed the rest of the world the Kheul Ade, and they loved it! They loved the Kheul Ade so much, they created other variations of the divine drink, such as Banana n’ Berry, Apple Twist, and the coveted and sacred Fruity Punch.
So as you drink that delicious beverage known as Kheul Ade, remember it’s story. With every sip, the spirit of the Lake of Kheul Ade and Bowler smile down upon you from their seats in the heavens. Savor its delicious energizing qualities forever and ever, Amen.
Bowler was sad and angry, so she went to her special place. This special place was a giant red lake known as The Lake of Kheul Ade. Bowler began to cry into the lake, and the ground began to shake. Suddenly, from the middle of the lake, a giant pitcher with a smiling face on it emerged and he spoke to the girl.
“I am the mighty guardian of Kheul Ade!” boomed the voice of the mighty elemental, “I was awakened from my slumber by your sobbing. Girl, why you cryin’?”
“Oh mighty spirit, I don’t know how to go on! My small village has been destroyed by a civil war; we’ve lost everything! We don’t even have a refreshing beverage to drink on a hot day. Please help us!”
The sassy spirit pondered her panoramic presentation of the problems in Bowler’s bad, bogus life, and said, “Hmm, you are in quite a quaint, quagmire of a quandary, aren’t you? This is what I’m gonna do for you: I will pay your village a lil’ visit, and pour my Kheul Ade splendor into their cups and mugs. They will drink of the Kheul Ade, and will be energized with life and vitality with its sugary and artificial flavors. You will show the rest of the world the Kheul Ade, and have them partake in the splendor that is Kheul Ade. Behold! The drink of the Gods! The One—The ONLY… Kheul Ade!”
A small party cup appeared in her hand with a red fluid in it, and she took a sip. It was so delicious that she began to weep with joy. She showed the rest of the world the Kheul Ade, and they loved it! They loved the Kheul Ade so much, they created other variations of the divine drink, such as Banana n’ Berry, Apple Twist, and the coveted and sacred Fruity Punch.
So as you drink that delicious beverage known as Kheul Ade, remember it’s story. With every sip, the spirit of the Lake of Kheul Ade and Bowler smile down upon you from their seats in the heavens. Savor its delicious energizing qualities forever and ever, Amen.
"ma'am"
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