Many aspects of our human spirits come to a focus in love:
When our sensitivity enables us to notice signs of spirit in others
—self-transcendence, altruism, freedom, creativity—
a true encounter of two persons of spirit can occur.

     In order to understand this I-Thou encounter, however,
we must clearly distinguish this meeting of human spirits
from the psychological phenomenon of romantic love.
Romance is a set of fantasies we learned from our culture.
Other people are basically supporting characters
in our self-contained grand drama of passion and suffering.
Romantic love is a system of socially-scripted feelings,
which we have been rehearsing within ourselves for years.
When we are finally ready to ‘fall in love', we release our emotion
on any appropriate victim who happens to cross our field of vision.
But these feelings take place entirely inside our isolated selves.

     After a few months we may discover that this romantic experience
was more an expression of our internal dreams and expectations
than a real encounter with another actual person.
If we are perceptive and self-critical, we will eventually discover
that it was an emotional adventure based on illusion, not information.
The mysterious 'chemistry' drawing us together
was the effect of internalized romantic fantasies, suddenly let loose.
Romantic love results from emotional programming,
which prepares our feeling—teaches our 'hearts' how to 'fall in love'.

     I-Thou encounter is the opposite of romantic infatuation.
Rather than enculturated feelings
contained entirely within our personality capsules,
the I-Thou meeting takes place between us.
In contrast to the popular belief that love is a feeling,
Martin Buber argues that feelings yield no interpersonal life at all
because feelings take place entirely within our own 'hearts'.
Real meeting occurs when we open ourselves to other persons of spirit.
Such encounters cannot be planned or prepared for.
They happen sometimes when we least expect them
—when we didn't know our spirits were showing.

     When we notice freedom, creativity, and altruism in others,
such presence may elicit similar capacities in us,
which may result in moments of mutual appreciation.
I-Thou encounters never constitute a relationship
because they are rare even for the most spirited persons.
But continuing relationships can develop between persons of spirit
who have occasionally encountered each other as I and Thou.

SPIRITUALITY FOR HUMANISTS: SIX CAPACITIES OF OUR HUMAN SPIRITS by JAMES PARK 15

     Another way to distinguish I-Thou encounters from romantic love
is to examine the uniqueness of the two persons involved.
Romantic love involves the physical and emotional levels of being.
With respect to our bodies and our personalities,
we differ from other persons only in degree—never in kind.
Our bodies may 'measure up' to the ideal held in our culture.
And our personalities may closely resemble the most pleasing 'types'.
Beauty contests compare both bodies and personalities.
The young women compete to be the most beautiful and the most talented;
and they are also interviewed by the host (usually a male)
to see whether they have pleasing 'feminine personalities'.

     In contrast to culturally-valued bodies and personalities
—which have developed more or less by chance—
we develop as persons of spirit by exercising free choice.
Genes and culture provide us with different bodies and personalities;
in every detail we differ from all other persons on the planet
—just as every leaf and every snowflake differs from all the others.
But such incidental differences do not make us unique, one-of-a-kind.
Such uniqueness and singularity can only emerge
thru the consistent process of making free choices.

     How can we recognize uniqueness in others?
Whatever capacities of spirit we may detect (freedom, creativity)
may also be understood psychologically.

     When we first meet new people,
we interpret them on a psychological level.
We fit them into our preconceived categories.
We all have ready-made ways for dealing with other.
But we understand and appreciate ourselves on a different level.
We know the psychological interpretations are incomplete
because we experience our own lives from the inside.

     For example, if we have an unusual life-style,
this may first be interpreted as an inability to adjust to society.
Many people may understand us this way—at least initially.
But occasionally we encounter other persons of spirit
who notice that we differ from other people not by chance
but as a matter of free, self-creating choice.

     Sometimes such discoveries are mutual
—if both persons are operating on the level of spirit.
And occasionally these I-Thou encounters
lead to on-going loving relationship based in our spirits.
But if we once encountered each other as I and Thou,
we may later revert to conventional psychological interpretations.
And our relationships may become merely emotional and intellectual
—or they may come to an end.

SPIRITUALITY FOR HUMANISTS: SIX CAPACITIES OF OUR HUMAN SPIRITS by JAMES PARK 16

     However, mutual disclosure between persons of spirit
usually does not lead to loving relationships.
Two persons of spirit who appreciate each other's uniqueness
seldom find it appropriate to create a personal relationship.

     It would be wonderful to create communities of persons of spirit,
all of whom recognize the dimension of spirit in the others.
But it is difficult—especially at first—to tell the difference between
the psychological-intellectual levels and the deeper dimension of spirit.
Some people who initially seem to exhibit freedom, creativity, altruism
—all the marks of the human spirit—
later turn out to be just unusual human beings,
who can be understood on the psychological and intellectual levels.
Most people want to believe that they are persons of spirit.
But it takes spirit even to recognize the lack of spirit.

     If there never can be long-lasting communities of spirit,
at least we can treasure whatever brief moments we have
of being present with other persons of spirit.

     The same holds true for loving relationships:
We may continue to have moments of I-Thou encounter
until for some reason we lose contact with each other.
One or both may be re-engulfed in the lower dimensions of life
or we may freely choose to turn our spirits in different directions.

     Martin Buber said it well:
Every I-Thou encounter is destined to come to an end;
every person who was present in full self-creation and freedom
is destined to slip back into the world of It
—the world where we recognize one another as bodies and personalities,
where we experience and interpret one another thru concepts of mind.

     But the rich experiences of being present
with other persons of spirit are not canceled by their termination.
And we can always be open to new encounters on the level of spirit.

     It is a gift to recognize spirit in other persons.
When an I-Thou encounter happens, we may wish to 'freeze' the moment,
to make that being present with each other last forever.
Such flashes of encounter may be like noticing a butterfly:
If we grasp the butterfly, we destroy it.
We can only rejoice that we are present to appreciate the butterfly
for as long as it wants to stay.
In memory we can treasure moments of I-Thou encounter.
And if we remember where we saw the butterfly before,
we can attempt to return to that 'place',
hoping for the moment of spiritual encounter to happen again.

Martin Buber  I and Thou (many editions).
James Park  New Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships.

SPIRITUALITY FOR HUMANISTS: SIX CAPACITIES OF OUR HUMAN SPIRITS by JAMES PARK 17

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