Jealousy arises in 'loving' relationships because of three factors:
(1) comparison, (2) competition, and (3) the fear of being replaced.
If we become more autonomous and self-creating,
these three features of relationships become less significant
and hence the passion of jealousy becomes less likely.

    However, within ordinary, possessive relationships, jealousy is normal:
If we find ourselves replaced, supplanted, traded-in for a better model,
we naturally feel a tremendous sense of loss, anger, grief, & betrayal.

    This bitter feeling of hurt and hostility called "jealousy"
can become one of the most powerful obsessions of human life.
And yet, this emotion is a social product—with deep cultural roots.
If we have learned how to feel jealous, can we unlearn this response?

    If we are loved for the unique persons we are becoming,
then comparison with rivals diminishes.
And when we are no longer in competition with other women or men,
we become less vulnerable to feeling jealous.
If we become irreplaceable in our relationships, then jealousy disappears.

    Thus, the basic way to prevent jealousy
is to become unique and irreplaceable persons.
And becoming more Authentic may be the best way
to transcend the threat of being replaced by potential rivals.

OUTLINE:

I. THE DYNAMICS OF JEALOUSY

A. Which Long-Distance Service Will He Use?

B. The Comparison Game.

A. Replaceability—Being Better Means Being the Same.

B. How We Might Become Singular and Irreplaceable.

IV. WHAT TO DO ABOUT JEALOUSY

V. SUMMARY

I. THE DYNAMICS OF JEALOUSY

    Thought experiment: Close your eyes and imagine the one
you love in the arms of another.  How does this make you feel?

     Jealousy arises in human relationships because of
comparison, competition, & the fear of being replaced.
It is easy to see why jealousy often arises in relationships
that involve only our physical and psychological dimensions
—because comparison and competition are almost unavoidable
when we think of people in terms of their bodies and personalities.
But if we become more Authentic, we move beyond jealousy
because we love from the depths of our self-creating uniqueness.

       A. Which Telephone Service Will He Choose?

     The jealousy easily aroused in ordinary 'loving' relationships
is like the rivalry between long-distance telephone companies.
All the companies vie for the business of the phone-user.
They all provide basically the same service, fill the same needs.

     Likewise, two women or two men
who are competing for the affections of the same person
present their comparable qualities in the best possible light.
Since they see themselves as providing the same services,
filling the same needs (companionship, affection, security, etc.),
each must claim to perform the desired functions better.
They exhibit and advertise their physical and emotional qualities,
hoping to appear better than their competitors.

     But loving on the basis of Authenticity
—appreciating others as unique, self-creating persons,
valuing them for their singular Authentic projects-of-being—
is not like comparing long-distance phone companies.
Singular persons do not fill the same needs.
They are not competing with one another
—even when limited time requires a choice between them—
because they are not trying to provide similar 'loving' services.

        B. The Comparison Game

     Some people, however, often find themselves feeling jealous
because they foster and support comparison and competition.
They try hard to be the ideal 'feminine' or 'masculine' type
that happens to be popular on the erotic market
—hoping to be better than their competitors!
This leads them to modify their physical appearance
and to play the most desirable personality-types.

     Women who are trying to be the most physically attractive
or the most pleasing 'feminine' personalities
are hiding their individuality
and competing with other women to be the most desirable female.
They want to be regarded as the best of these popular types:
beautiful woman, intelligent woman, sexy woman,
pleasing woman, sweet-and-inoffensive woman, etc.
On this level, all the women are competing and being compared
according the same standard—what men generally want.
Each woman is striving to be better than the other women
rather than trying to become unique and singular.

     Likewise, men who are trying to be the smartest, the strongest,
the richest, the most handsome are emphasizing their comparability;
they want to compete with other men on these well-defined criteria.

     Attempting to present ourselves as fulfillers
of general, pre-existing needs works the same way.
People shopping for love (or who are looking for buyers)
present themselves as good providers of what people generally want
—be it security, affection, warmth, protection, sex,
communication, companionship, understanding, or whatever.
They do not want to be seen as unique and incomparable individuals
but as better functionaries than the next person,
better able to satisfy pre-existing needs.

     If we base our 'desirability' on comparison and competition,
we will always be threatened by the possibility that a new model
will "turn the head" of someone we have fascinated for awhile.
There is always the possibility of being replaced.
When we are valued for our physical and psychological traits,
it is quite likely that better examples of such bodies
and temperaments will come along.
The comparison game is epitomized in this jealous challenge:
"What has she got that I don't have?"

II. PREVENTING JEALOUSY BY BECOMING IRREPLACEABLE

        A. Replaceability—Being Better Means Being the Same.

      In the drama of ordinary love, we play well-scripted roles,
complex patterns of interaction we have learned from our culture.
And because all the lines and moves are well known in advance,
an understudy could easily step in and take over our functions
—if we become too old for the part, fall ill, or even die.
But what if an understudy handles the role better than the star?
Perhaps whoever fills the role best will get the job permanently!

     When we feel the threat of being replaced in one of our roles,
we usually strive to become the best player of that part.
Our culture says—in the job-market as well as the love-market—
that excellence is the best way to beat the competition.
So we compete with the others within the accepted criteria:
We try to be the best social companions for those we want to attract,
the best cooks, best sex-partners, best providers,
the most stimulating and interesting personalities
—becoming the best at whatever popular women or men provide.

     But becoming 'better' than others really means being the same.
Excellence is a measure of conformity to an agreed cultural ideal.
Jealousy is prevented not by excellence but by irreplaceability.

      B. How We Might Become Singular and Irreplaceable.

     We all come from the same gene pool,
and our personalities have been shaped primarily by human cultures.
Biological and cultural accidents have made us particular persons.
But as we become more aware of ourselves, we gain the capacity
to recreate ourselves to be singular and irreplaceable persons.
If we use our freedom to redirect our lives toward our own goals,
we can rise above the biological 'purposes' given by nature
and we can transcend the ready-made life-patterns of our culture.

     In the long process of re-making ourselves, we begin with
our original personalities as created by our parents and culture.
And the sooner we understand the depth of our social conditioning,
the sooner we may begin to re-shape our lives to our own designs.
Every inch of this struggle toward greater Authenticity must be won
against tremendous social pressures to conform, to be like others,
to adopt some of the comfortable patterns of life we see around us.

     If we consistently pursue our new, invented life-purposes,
after several years of growth, we may completely replace our selves.
From an existential perspective, we are what we pursue;
we can be defined by the projects we undertake.

     As we reinvent ourselves by choosing new life-purposes,
we will become one of a kind, singular, irreplaceable,
inimitable, incomparable, unprecedented.
The important differences between us and other people
will not be found in superficial, measurable quantities
(having more hair or slimmer legs)
or in comparable qualities of temperament
(having a better sense of humor, being more warm and tender).
Bodily or temperamental differences do not make us unique.
With respect to our physical and psychological characteristics,
we differ from others only in degree, never in kind.

     But we can become intrinsically different from everyone else
by reconstructing ourselves from the core, from our inner depths.
We must design our own blueprints for our lives.
After years of deciding the fundamental directions of our lives,
we become more the creations of our own free choices
than the products of genetic endowment and cultural conditioning.
We become non-reproducible persons with never-repeatable lives.

III. AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS EMERGE FROM SINGULARITY

     Ordinarily, personal relationships build from below,
beginning with physical and psychological traits many people share.
Sometimes people actually try to displace their competitors
by presenting themselves as more desirable women or men.
Jealousy is very likely within the ordinary game of love
because the players are not unique; they easily replace one another.

     But Authentic relationships emerge from uniqueness.
When love arises from the appreciation of each other's singularity
rather than from qualities or characteristics many people have,
there is no basis for comparison or competition
—and no danger of replacing one person with another.

     Thus, singularity prevents the possibility of jealousy:
If we have emerged beyond our culturally-given roles and identities
—making comparison, competition, & replacement impossible—
we are secure within ourselves, knowing that we are utterly unique.

IV. WHAT TO DO ABOUT JEALOUSY

     But until we become singular and unique, we may feel jealous.
What can we do about this deep sense of pain, confusion, betrayal?

     At first, we may ignore our jealousy, hoping it will go away.
If we suspect that we have been replaced in someone's heart,
we may say: "Do whatever you want, but don't tell me about it."

    Our second inclination may be to resist and deny our jealousy.
We may see jealousy as an immature feeling we should overcome.
But the feeling of jealousy is not wrong—as a toothache is not wrong.
Rather, jealousy indicates a deeper problem in our relationships.
Instead of treating this healthy symptom—jealousy—with aspirin
(by denying our fears of replacement, trying not to notice our pain),
we should correct the possessiveness behind our jealousy.

     Becoming more Authentic is a very important way
to establish ourselves as unique, irreplaceable persons.
If we know who we are and what our relationships mean,
we will not have to resist or deny the feeling of jealousy
because it simply will not appear when multiple loving begins.

     Jealousy is not a 'bad', immature feeling to be resisted.
In fact, it can become a test of the uniqueness of our relationships:
If jealousy is still possible, the relationships are not yet unique.

V. SUMMARY

     When love is a unique relationship between irreplaceable persons
—who focus their lives around freely-chosen Authentic projects—
then comparison, competition, & replacement are impossible.
When we become utterly unique human beings,
no other person could ever replace us in our loving relationships.
The other loves of the persons we love are also unique relationships.
Thus, as we love more Authentically, jealousy disappears.

AUTHOR:

    James Park is an existential philosopher.
This article is based on a chapter called "Loving without Jealousy:
As We Become More Authentic, Jealousy Disappears"
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/NWL73.html
from his most popular book New Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships.
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/NWL.html
Several other helpful books will be found on the Jealousy Bibliography:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/B-JEAL.html
If "Romantic Jealousy: Cause and Prevention"
has set your mind on fire with responses and further questions,
you can find more such stimulation in these books.

    If "Romantic Jealousy: Cause and Prevention"
has stimulated you to think,
pass it on to friends in your computer's address book.
(But be selective, don't just send it blindly to everyone.
We do not want such articles to become
another form of electronic junk mail.)
You might simply send the URL of this article:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/HMS-LS3.html

    This article is just the beginning
of an on-going discussion of jealousy.
Send your comments and questions to the author,
who promises to respond to all e-mails.
James Park's e-mail address is: PARKx032@TC.UMN.EDU
The best of such exchanges will be posted on the HMS home page.

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The contents of this page have not been reviewed or approved by the University of Minnesota.