SYNOPSIS:

    Because patterns of love and marriage are cultural creations,
we should expect them to change from century to century.

    At the beginning of the 21st century,
some trends can be foreseen for the Western world:

1. The mythology of romantic love will continue to hold sway,
at least over the young and inexperienced.

2. More couples will decide to live together
without getting officially or legally married.
They will be free to create their own relationship contracts
---whether explicit or implicit, written or unwritten.

3. Renewable marriages will become more common.
These are relationships agreed to last for a certain duration,
after which they will either expire or be renewed.

4. Same-sex marriages will become more common and less controversial.
Gay and lesbian couples will feel ever more free
to make their relationships open and public.
Many states and countries will legalize same-sex marriage.

5. For those people who have transcended the threat of jealousy,
loving more than one person at the same time will become more common.

OUTLINE:

1. ROMANTIC LOVE.

2. MARRIAGE RESISTERS.

3. RENEWABLE MARRIAGE.

4. SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.

5. POLYAMORY.

INTRODUCTION.

    The patterns of interpersonal relationships have been changing
for about the last 7 million years
---ever since we human beings broke off from our primate cousins.
What patterns of relationships prevailed millions of years ago?
Since we have no records, we can only speculate
about the equivalent of 'love' and 'marriage'
during the first few millions years of human evolution.
But for the last several thousand years, we do have records
that tells us about the patterns of relating---and their changes.

    Even within a period of 100 years, dramatic changes can be observed.
If we were to examine the patterns of 'love' and 'marriage' of 100 years ago,
we would note profound differences from today.

    And we should only expect such changes to accelerate in the future.
Thus, the changes in love and marriage in the 21st century
should be even more dramatic than in the 20th century.

1. ROMANTIC LOVE.

    However one feature of our cultural scene is not so likely to change:
Young people will probably continue to 'fall in love' according to pattern
for the rest of the 21st century.
Because the feelings of romantic love are so delightful,
this is a tradition that will probably continue into the indefinite future.

    Briefly, romantic love means projecting fantasies
onto the object of one's love.
Romantic lovers are lost in a haze of feelings and passions,
which they experience as happening to them.
But what is really happening is that they are trying to reproduce
a complex set of feelings and behavior
they have absorbed from popular culture.

    Many people grow out of romantic illusions as they mature,
but it seems that each new generation needs to learn
all over again that romantic love is an illusions.

2. MARRIAGE RESISTERS.

    However, in the 21st century, there will be a growing number of people
who will decide to live as couples without the benefit of official marriage.

    Such unmarried couples do not yet have a common name for themselves.
Basically they just have to tell their relatives that they are "living together".
In the United States the census takers do count such couples.
And we can expect their proportion to increase every time the census is taken.

    We will call them "marriage resisters".
Their basic thinking is that they can create their own interpersonal relationships
without subscribing to the definition of marriage
provided by each state in the United States
---and by each country in the world.

    Usually marriage resisters can name two or three features
of the standard marriage contract they do not like.
For example, they might not like the permanence
almost always included in the marriage vows.
They want the freedom to change or terminate their relationships
without involving lawyers and judges.

    Some marriage resisters do not like
the informal traditions surrounding marriage:
They do plan to have children,
which is an almost automatic assumption within traditional marriage.

    And some marriage resisters do not promise
exclusiveness in their relationships.
They want to be open to loving and being loved by more than one person.
We will return to this theme when we discuss "polyamory" later.

3. RENEWABLE MARRIAGE.

    As mentioned above, some people facing traditional marriage
do not like the idea of committing themselves for their rest of their lives.
How realistic is it for people---especially people in their 20s---
to establish personal partnerships that will last until one of them dies.

    The actual history of marriage shows that
about half of marriages in the United States
do not, in fact, last until death.

    We do have provisions in the marriage laws for dissolving marriages.
But perhaps it would be more realistic
to build change and renewal
into our interpersonal relationship from the start.

    A renewable marriage (or less official relationship)
would be defined by the partners
according to their own most realistic expectations.
When they are just starting out,
they should realize that their relationship
might not last more than a few months.
The traditions of dating permit frequent changes of partners
without going thru any elaborate processes.

    Some people will incorporate some element of this same freedom
into more committed relationships,
even when they call those relationships "marriage".

    When the relationship is young,
they might project just a few months
as the committed duration of their relationship.
If their relationship does in fact last a few years,
the projected duration might be a few more years.

    One advantage of having a defined period
for each relationship contract
is that both partners know when they will sit down to examine
how well this relationship has been working for both of them.

    Such relationship reviews might be compared to employment reviews.
When people are first employed, they often have a probationary period
---perhaps 6 months long---
after which they know their work will be reviewed.
If they pass that first analysis and evaluation,
perhaps they will have annual reviews of their work.

    Renewable marriages could work on a similar schedule.
The partners agree to review the benefits and burdens of their relationship
---as seen by each partner---at a pre-determined time in the future.

    If they continue to appreciate the good things
that are happening between them
more than they regret their problems,
they will renew their marriage or relationship
for another period of time, perhaps one or two years
---or even more years for those who are quite happy with each other.

4. SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.

    We can say with a great deal of confidence
that the 21st century will be the century in which same-sex marriages
were recognized and made official in most parts of the world.

    Already we have examples of some European countries
that allow same-sex couples most of benefits of marriage.
And some states in the United States have already moved in that direction.
Canada is the most recent addition
to the countries that recognize same-sex marriages.

    There will always be some pockets of resistance,
especially in cultures and sub-cultures where homosexuality is repressed.
These conservative countries and cultures
will be the last to recognize same-sex marriages.

    One positive result of marriage rights and duties
being extended to same-sex couples
is that their relationships might become more settled and secure.
Same-sex marriages will then be dissolved
about as frequently as heterosexual marriages.
And the ending of the relationship
will be a realistic possibility that everyone can take into account.

5. POLYAMORY.

    "Polyamory" is a new word in the English language.
It simply means many loves.
People have been having more than one relationship at a time
since long before the exclusiveness of marriage was first invented.
There probably never was a time when almost everyone
honored their official marriage vow to remain exclusive
---romantically and sexually.

    But the polyamory movement wants to make multiple loving
more open and honest.
Instead of having secret affairs---called "cheating"---
people who have transcended the threat of jealousy
feel ready to expand their circle of loving relationships
to include more than just one person.

    Because this goes directly against most marriage vows,
people who want to love more than one person at a time
need to have deep discussions with the people they love
about how they will handle this new pattern of loving relationships.

    Perhaps 95% of the population is not yet ready for polyamory:
They correctly foresee that they will be deeply jealous
if they have to share the person they love with anyone else.

    But there is a growing minority of people who have
transcended the problem of jealousy sufficiently
that they can openly and honestly embrace more than one partner
during any one phase of their lives.

CONCLUSION.

    Stay tuned:  Big changes are on the horizon for love and marriage.
We will probably see more changes in these patterns
in future decades than have occurred in the past.

    For many people, such new patterns will create problems.
But creative, open-minded people will be ready and willing
to open themselves to new ways of loving.

    Once we realize that all of our traditions
were created by the human beings who lived on Earth before us,
we are liberated to create new patterns,
if we believe that new ways of loving will work better for us.

AUTHOR:

    James Park, is an existential philosopher,
living and writing in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
His major book on love is called
"New Ways of Loving:
How Authenticity Transforms Relationships"
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/NWL.html
And he is working on a new book to be called:
"Designer Marriage:
Write Your Own Relationship Contract"
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/RC.html

EXPLORE FURTHER:

1. Romantic Love.

    If you would like to read a three-page article
critical of romantic love, click this title:
Romantic Love Is a Hoax !
Emotional Programming to 'Fall in Love'
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/CY-HOAX.html

    If you would like to measure your own level of romance,
you might want to take
The Romantic Love Test:
How Do We Know If We Are in Love?
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/RLT-WEB.html
This 180-question test divides the phenomenon of romantic love
into 26 manifestations---the A-Z of romantic love.

    If you want to read more books critical of romantic love,
see the Romantic Love Bibliography .
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/B-ROMC.html
Your college or public library should have
at least some of the 12 books reviewed here.

2. Marriage Resisters.

   If you would like to explore why some people resist marriage,
go to The Best Books Critical of Traditional Marriage
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/B-MARR.html

3. Renewable Marriage.

    Renewable marriage is just one of the features
you might put into your own Relationship Contract.
If you would like to explore this concept more fully, go to:
Designer Marriage:
Write Your Own Relationship Contract:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/RC.html

    For other books about Relationship Contracts, go to:
Best Books on Relationship Contracts :
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/B-RC.html

4. Same-Sex Marriage.

    Same-sex marriage is explored in these books:
Same-Sex Marriage---First Books:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/B-SSMARR.html

5. Polyamory.

    Polyamory is explored on many sites on the Internet.
Just search "Polyamory" or "polyfidelity".

    A Few books have been written on this subject.  See:
The Multiple Loving Bibliography :
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/B-MULT.html

The views and opinions expressed in this page are strictly those of the page author.
The contents of this page have not been reviewed or approved by the University of Minnesota.