Copyright © 2003 by James Park
The following books were
selected and reviewed by James Park,
existential philosopher and critic of traditional
marriage.
They are arranged by quality, beginning
with the best.
1. Mark
Strasser Legally Wed:
Same-Sex
Marriage and the Constitution
(Ithica, NY: Cornell UP,
1997)
241 pages
(ISBN: 0-8014-3408-8; hardcover)
(ISBN: 0-8014-8429-4; paperback)
(Library of Congress call number: KF511.S77
1997)
An examination
of all the legal and constitutional implications
of attempting to prevent same-sex couples
from having legally-recognized marriages.
There is no compelling state interest in
prohibiting same-sex marriages.
Contrary to the claims of opponents, same-race
marriages were not sullied
when people of different races were
permitted to marry each other.
The state need
not have the same rules about marriage
as any given church or religious tradition.
Some very liberal religious bodies now
celebrate same-sex unions.
And some religions endorse polygamy.
If same-sex marriages were made legal by
any government,
no religious organization would be compelled
to solemnize or recognize such unions.
Denying same-sex
couples the right to marry
is denying them the "equal protection of
the laws".
The "Defense of Marriage Act" is unconstitutional
because it could only have been born out
of
animosity toward a certain class of people.
The only people affected are homosexuals.
Usually the federal government has allowed
states
to make their own domestic relations laws.
Now the "Defense of Marriage Act" has announced
in advance
that only marriages between partners of
different sexes
will be recognized by the federal government
—no matter what the states might
do in the future.
Congress did not
consider a number of unintended consequences
of the "Defense of Marriage Act".
Could couples of the same sex married in
one state
declare themselves unmarried
by moving to a non-recognition state?
Would child-support for a same-sex couple
now divorced
be uncollectible in a non-recognition state?
The "Defense of
Marriage Act" supports bigotry.
It tells young and old alike
that the federal government discriminates
against same-sex couples.
What are people to think when they hear
of such a law?
Some will think they are justified
in their own discriminatory behavior against
the disfavored group.
This book is rather
technical in some places,
but it is a very important book.
Its arguments should have been considered
by the Congress and the President
before passing and signing the "Defense
of Marriage Act" in 1996.
And now it should be read by all judges
called upon to rule on the constitutionally
of that Act.
Eventually, when
same-sex marriages are recognized in some form
—such as state laws permitting people to
register as domestic partners—
this book will be seen as one that forged
the way forward for legal reform.
It definitely presents only the legal arguments
favoring same-sex marriage
—as any good lawyer would do.
Contrary views are only presented to be
demolished.
It would be interesting to read another
book
by an equally intelligent and knowledgeable
person
defending such discrimination against same-sex
couples.
2. E. J. Graff What Is Marriage For?
(Boston, MA: Beacon Press, 1999)
(ISBN: 0-8070-4114-9; hardcover)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ734.G716
1999)
This book is a
careful study and critique of the roots and branches
of the institution of marriage as known
in the Western world.
When we review the early patterns of traditional
marriage,
we see how far we have already come.
Marriage has changed and it will continue
to change.
The author is a lesbian in a long-term
committed relationship,
which could be a marriage if same-sex partners
were permitted to marry.
A computer search
discloses that there are
over 1,000 references to marriage (spouse,
husband, wife, marriage, etc.)
in US federal laws and regulations.
Graff argues it would be easier to give
all these rights, responsibilities, and
privileges to same-sex couples
(if they choose to marry) as a package
than to re-write all the laws one by one
to grant all or most of these rights.
Many Scandinavian
countries have already granted the right to marry
to same-sex couples, sometimes with a few
exceptions such as
the right to be married in the state church,
the right to adopt children, or to get
tax-supported fertility services.
But even such exceptions are likely to
be abolished.
The United States
has not adopted same-sex unions
as readily as other advanced countries,
but even we are seeing the beginning of
such rights in some states.
Wherever same-sex marriage has been allowed,
no noticeable or measurable effects
have been observed on heterosexual marriages.
Thus the federal "Defense of Marriage"
Act is a complete misnomer.
It does not protect marriage in any sense.
It merely says that same-sex couples may
not have their legal marriages
recognized by all states
if some states decide to grant such rights
and responsibilities
without regard to the sexes of the partners.
Marriage was originally
created as a cultural institution
because of the belief that sex ought to
be registered and regulated
---in large part to protect the rights
of children
who often resulted from sexual intercourse.
But now even the most conservative religious
groups
recognize that sex and marriage can be
for non-procreative purposes.
If marriages can legitimately be directed
toward sexual fulfillment,
then lesbians and gays also qualify.
Every society ought
to have laws protecting children.
But heterosexual marriage as the only context
for raising children
has now largely become a pattern of the
past.
Less than half of American children live
with both of their biological parents.
Adoption is permitted by single people
and increasingly by same-sex couples.
Children don't need fathers as much as
they need
non-abusive, involved, caring parents.
And, of course, gay and lesbian people
can be good parents.
If we are concerned
about good parenting,
perhaps we should train and license all
adults who wish to be parents.
Simply being a heterosexual couple
does not magically grant the ability to
raise children.
Graff observes that many of her gay and
lesbian friends are becoming parents
---by taking over the parenting of children
born to one of them,
by adopting children already alive, or
by artificial insemination.
Experience shows that these children of
gay couples
do not become gay any more often than the
general population.
And the quality of the parenting
shows the same range as for heterosexual
couples.
The church and
the state have long struggled over who controls marriage.
In the West the state has basically won
the battle to register marriages.
But some churches still insist that their
regulations are paramount.
However, in ever-increasing numbers even
heterosexual couples
are deciding to avoid legal, state-defined,
marriage
and are creating their own more personal
and flexible relationships.
In the Middle Ages,
when the Church controlled the definition of marriage,
it sometimes took years to get a decision
about the validity of a particular purported
'marriage'.
In the meantime people kept having babies
and changing their relationships.
To help clear up this chaos of private
marriages,
beginning in the middle 1700s various governments
in the West
established rules for the creation and
registration of marriages.
In frontier America,
it was hard to enforce rules about marriage,
so common-law marriage was also recognized:
If a couple held themselves out to the
public as married,
by virtue of being together for a certain
number of years,
they were legally marriage.
In places like
Ireland,
which only recently recognized divorce
and remarriage
because of the eternal opposition from
the Roman Catholic Church,
people were ending their unsatisfactory
marriages
and going on to create new couples and
new groups of children
without involving either the state or the
church.
The first feminist
movement in the United States
was very critical of the marriage laws
of the time,
which granted all property rights
and control
of the marriage to the husband.
These laws have largely been modified
to allow women to own property in their
own names,
to run their own businesses,
to refuse to have sex with their husbands,
to get divorced, etc.
Both in law and in practice,
couples are now able to create their own
patterns of marriage.
And more and more couples are demi-married
because they do not fulfill all of the
requirements
for an official legal marriage in their
jurisdiction.
So why can't same-sex couples
define their committed relationships as
marriage?
Given all the changes
in marriage customs and laws
that have already happened,
it seems likely that soon same-sex couples
will be allowed to marry.
Men and women are equal in most modern
marriages.
The man no longer owns the woman.
So why should not two men or two women
be permitted to marry?
Graff says that
she falls in love with women
as easily as most women fall in love with
men.
So it seems entirely natural to her to
insist on all the rights of marriage,
not some watered-down version called "domestic
partnership".
No history of marriage
could be complete without an account of divorce.
The Roman Catholic Church has long tried
to enforce
the one-marriage-for-life rule.
But most civil laws now recognize the possibility
of changing partners.
Each jurisdiction has its own rules and
regulations for divorce,
many focused on the right of children
and the economic rights of the former partners.
When same-sex partners are permitted to
marry,
they also will need the protection of divorce
law.
What is marriage
for?
It reflects the deep commitment of two
adult persons.
If so, two adult persons of the same sex
can qualify.
3. Gretcher A. Stiers From This Day Forward:
Commitment, Marriage, and Family
in Lesbian and Gay Relationships
(New York: St. Martin's Press, 1998)
(ISBN:0-312-17542-6; hardcover)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ76.3.U5S76 1999)
This book is based on interviews with stable lesbian and gay couples.
It presents realistic portraits of how they live
and how they understand their commitment.
Many living-together couples consider themselves married,
especially if they have had a commitment ceremony.
A large part of this book is devoted to exploring
the pros and cons of a marriage-like ceremony for lesbian and gay couples.
Some couples readily embrace the complex traditions of 'getting married',
but other reject marriage because it reminds them too much
of the traditions and obligations of heterosexual marriage.
(Some have been married to other-sex partners in the past.)
Most of the couples expected their relationships to last until death,
but as a matter of fact, gay and lesbian marriages
last about as long as heterosexual marriages.
In general, the couples interviewed
had conventional views about love and commitment,
expectations very similar to heterosexual couples.
One major purpose of this book is to normalize same-sex relationships.
These couples seem no different from heterosexual couples.
However, one difference is that the ceremony of making a public commitment
usually takes place after the relationship has lasted a few years.
This is because so many gay and lesbian relationships do not last long.
But after the couple has been together for say 10 years,
they often find it meaningful to mark that anniversary with a ceremony,
which they call "holy union", "commitment ceremony", or "recommitment ceremony".
When the couple is alienated from their families of origin
because of their sexual orientation,
the ceremony includes only other members of the gay and lesbian community.
But increasingly straight people (family and friends) are invited.
In some cases, the commitment ceremony finally convinced parents
that their children were not going to change into heterosexuals.
Everyone who reads this book
will be more favorably disposed toward same-sex marriage.
The people are real individuals,
with their own views of how to structure their relationships.
Some use the marriage-model and others do not.
4. Alfred Lees & Ronald
Nelson, editors
Longtime
Companions: Autobiographies of Gay Male Fidelity
(Binghamton, NY: Haworth Press, 1999)
225 pages
(ISBN: 0-7890-0641-3; hardcover)
(ISBN: 1-56023-957-3; paperback)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ75.7.L66
1999)
Fifteen gay couples
tell their stories
of long-lasting committed relationships.
The editors have been a couple for almost
50 years.
Ordinary work lives
and sometimes deep involvement in the gay
sub-culture.
Many couples stayed together until parted
by death.
Many good stories, well worth reading.
5. Andrew Sullivan,
editor
Same-Sex
Marriage: Pro and Con: A Reader
(New York: Vintage/Random House, 1997)
373 pages
(ISBN: 0-679-77637-0; paperback)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ76.25.F677
1997)
A large collection
of previously-published short articles,
presenting all possible arguments concerning
same-sex marriage.
The major themes: historical background—precedents
for same-sex marriage;
religious debates; court rulings; political
perspectives—right & left;
Defense of Marriage Act; affect on children;
slippery slope leading to other changes
in marriage law;
why should gays want something that is
not working for straights?
A comprehensive collection—but without
any break-thru ideas.
This book will stand as a good record
of thinking about same-sex marriage up
to 1997.
6. Eric Marcus Together Forever: Gay and Lesbian Marriage
(New York: Anchor/Doubleday, 1998) 347 pages
(ISBN: 0-385-48875-0; hardback)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ76.3.U5M354
1998)
This book is based
on interviews with 40 couples
who had been together at least 9 years
in what they described as a happy relationship
—20 gay male couples and 20 lesbian couples.
The over-all impression is that these are
quite ordinary relationships.
The major themes: how they met; starting
the relationship;
differences in life-style and personality;
open or closed relationship;
housekeeping together; levels of commitment;
work and colleagues;
handling money; sex; dealing with families;
raising children;
problems in the relationship; dealing with
change;
being public about the relationship; aging;
death;
what makes a happy relationship?
The book includes pictures of several of
the couples interviewed.
7. Betty Berzon The Intimacy Dance: A Guide to
Long-Term Success in Gay and Lesbian Relationships
(New York: Dutton, 1996) 291 pages
(ISBN: 0-525-94234-3; hardcover)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ76.3.U5B467 1996)
A breezy, self-help book for same-sex couples,
altho most of the advice would also help any couple.
Nothing profound of insightful.
But this is one of the first books that dealt with same-sex couples
as if this were a normal way to live.
Some of the issues:
jealousy; AIDS; public image; drug & alcohol abuse;
working thru personal conflicts.
Betty Berzon also shares stories from her own long-lasting lesbian love.
She practices psychotherapy, especially with gays, in Los Angeles.
Please suggest additional books to add to this bibliography.
There will probably soon be an explosion
of new books on same-sex marriage.
Send your suggestions to James Park:
e-mail: PARKx032@TC.UMN.EDU
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